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Where Are They Now? Part VII



Some traditions never die, and perhaps this one should have. But in the painful limbo before the UEFA sentencing next week, the opening of the transfer market, and an Italy-free World Cup kicking off this week, I felt like we could all use a little humor. Or something. So in part seven of the enthralling and exclusive Milan Obsession’s “Where Are They Now?” series, I give you something.

Something.

This series takes a look at the current lives of former Milan players, then re-writes some of the facts to be more interesting. You’re welcome.  And while you are not amused, feel free to binge-read the entire series:
Part I (February 2011)
Part II (November 2011)
Part III (May 2013)
Part IV (February 2014
Part V (August 2014)
Part VI (June 2016)

Mattia De Sciglio (2011-2017)
He was the first Milan youth player to manage to go straight from the Primavera to the first team since Paolo Maldini. No pressure or anything. But after Allegri left Milan, he kept having flashbacks of “Dai, Dai Dai!” and he had no idea what these dreams meant. When Milan fans abused him for rumors that he was going to Juventus, he decided they must know something. So he followed the Dai, and already one Scudetto later, the joke is on those Milan fans.

Thiago Silva (2009-2012)
The Brazilian center back is one of the best in the world, and that is why he is no longer a Milan player. When Galliani needed to cash in on a couple of our best players, Silva immediately sacrificed his Milan jersey for a giant wad of cash. He continues to insist that he loves Milan, in the same way that your high school girlfriend still loves you while she is married to some rich French guy.

Gunnar Nordahl (1949-1956)
He still holds the record as Milan’s all-time top scorer, and also holds an unprecedented five Capocannonieri awards. Along with fellow Swedes Gunnar Gren and Nils Liedholm, they formed the infamous Gre-No-Li trio. Sadly, he passed away in 1995, but his legend lives on. In fact, having given up a career as a firefighter in Sweden to play football,  it is widely believed that the phrase “fighting fire with fire” is a nod to his searing goalscoring records.

Massimo Oddo (1993-1999 and 2007-2012)
The former Milan youth player did his time on loan, then made a triumphant return to Milan, where he spent half of his time again on loan. Turning next to coaching, he managed to get sacked by Pescara after helping them promote back to Serie A, then getting sacked by Udinese this past season. But his true calling was always hairstyling. Having trained as a hair stylist, the World Cup winner was not known so much for his playing skills, but for cutting his teammate’s hair, earning the nickname the “Barber of Berlin.”

All that glitters is not gold

Stephan El Shaarawy (2011-2016)
After having been named “il Faraone” (the little Pharaoah) by fans, the Genoa youth player set out to gather wealth like his namesake. After discovering that all that glitters is not gold at Milan, he went to the Eternal City in search of wealth. However the joke is on him, as Roma is the one high profile club where he can be sure to never win a trophy.

Giovanni Moretti (1931-1939)
This Milan forward made 207 appearances for Milan prior to World War II. He scored 61 goals for the red and black, but sadly became an alcoholic after literally discovering a beer with his name on it.

Philippe Mexes (2011-2016)
The angry French center back had his career high with a bicycle kick goal vs. Anderlecht that was directly channeled from Ibrahimovic. Realizing he could never top that, he pursued a career in mixed martial arts on and off the field, most notoriously punching Giorgio Chiellini and fighting with Stefano Mauri. He officially retired a year after leaving Milan, after not even being picked up by the UFC. However, rumors are that he has been training hard ever since fellow MMA and Milan player Gattuso was appointed as manager.

Karl-Heinz Schnellinger (1965-1974)
Also known as the German Bonera, this Milan legend played 222 matches and didn’t even score one goal for Milan, not even accidentally. He did score for Germany against Italy in 1970 in the infamous “Game of the Century.” But today he lives a quiet life in Milano working as a businessman by day and secret superhero by night.

Andrea Poli (2013-2017)
The former Inter midfielder is now playing with Bologna, but it is how he got there that is fascinating. You see, he is always running, his workrate is unparalleled. So one day, as he was out for a run, some Milan fans blindfolded him and spun him around until he was facing away from Milan, then let him go. Those unstoppable legs did the rest, and fellow ex-Milan player Donadoni swooped him up with a giant net when he got to Bologna.

Gianluca Zambrotta (2008-2012)
The World Cup winner found out his Juventus team were being relegated to Serie B, and mistakenly went to Barcelona instead. It’s a common error, people get them confused all the time. After playing for both Juventus and Barcelona, coming to Milan was the only thing he could do to redeem himself. And after leaving Milan in 2012 with all of the other senatore, he decided it was all downhill from there, most recently coaching in both India and China.


This post inspired by the music of Miguel’s “Remember Me”