Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Where Are They Now?


Do you ever wonder what has happened to some of our ex-Milan players? Well, for inquiring minds, I've compiled a list of some former players, the years they played for Milan, and their current whereabouts and pastimes. *



Carlo Ancelotti ('87-92)
Since moving to England to coach Chelsea, Carlo is tipping the scales, having discovered such foods as bangers & mash and also breakfast. He also gives Italian accent lessons via the media during weekly press conferences as a public service.

Roberto Baggio ('95-'97)
Having recently won a World Peace Award from the Nobel Peace Laureate for his numerous charitable efforts, he was appointed President of the Technical Sector of the FIGC and has been seen at Coverciano. In his spare time, he teaches the art of the divine ponytail to Italian Buddhist hairdressers.

Daniele Bonera ('06-'11) 
Having been placed under protective custody after numerous death threats surrounding his performances during his final season at Milan, Bonera enjoys learning to cross the ball and run with the local children in between long stints playing FIFA '11 where he always plays against Milan (so long as that Bonera guy is defending for them.)

Fabio Capello ('76-'80)
Using his coaching and FAB-ulous glasses as a guise, Capello is secretly working for Italy as the English National Team Coach. Having made sweeping changes to discipline and training upon arriving in England, he used his coaching expertise to improve the national team just enough to keep the job, but not enough to actually win anything. His World Cup 2010 performance put into question his loyalties, as he was unable to make the England team look worse than the Azzurri.

Dida ('00-'10)
Still traumatized by being hit by a flare during a CL game, Dida is back in Brazil and receiving intensive therapy for PTSD to address his recurring fears of both flares and running fans. His newest hobby is dodgeball, where he still sometimes struggles to catch the ball and hold onto it.

Roberto Donadoni ('86-'99)
Having been unsuccessful at replicating the highs and lows of Lippi's Azzurri as a coach, Donadoni has his eyes set on coaching Milan. Seeing as how Allegri was successful at Cagliari and then got the Milan Job, Donadoni took the job at Cagliari hoping it works out for him the same way.

Ruud Gullit ('87-'94)
Recently, Gullit accepted a job coaching Terek Grozny in Russia. Not only was it the only team who would offer him a job after several short term positions at other clubs, but Gullit figured he could form the only reggae band in Russia and have a backup career for when he is dismissed from this coaching job. 

Kak√° ('03-'09) 
Having been thrown under the bus by Milan after his fervent loyalty to the club, Kaka has tried to make the best of his career at Real Madrid. While he has spent a large portion of his tenure there injured, he has found even more popularity by selling his trademark "I Belong to Jesus" t-shirts and serving as team chaplain.

Leonardo ('97-'03
Leonardo recently abandoned his long time dream of being a hair model, and did the next most shallow thing: managing Inter. Being more looks than brains, he crossed the great Milan divide, making mortal enemies and selling his soul to Satan along the way. His coaching theory is to ignore the "goals conceded" column and focus instead on scoring as many goals as possible. 

Joe Jordan ('81-'83) 
Literally on the Tottenham payroll, Jordan was recruited as both coach and heckler, as recently demonstrated when Tottenham came to Milan. Having heckled Gattuso for an entire game, Jordan was neither man enough to take Gattuso on, nor to admit to his pathetic namecalling. Sources report that he has since hired a team of bodyguards and installed new security systems at his home.

Ronaldinho ('08-'11) 
Without a static striker position available on Allegri's side, Ronaldinho found another red and black team to play for so he could console himself at the local bars all night and tell himself he was still at the greatest club in the world. As a plus, in Brazil, he is considered fit.

Mauro Tassotti ('80-'97)
Tassotti is loyal to two things: AC Milan and his haircut. While his dream was one day to become head coach, he is always the gentleman, saying "No, you first, I insist" to the other potential candidates when the job is open. At some point, I expect him to look in the mirror, which may change the haircut, and also allow him to offer himself the chance to go first for once.

Giovanni Trappatoni ('57-'71
In addition to defying death and trying to set the record for the oldest manager ever, Trappatoni spends his spare time talking to leprechauns and throwing darts at pictures of Thierry Henry.

Marco Van Basten ('87-'95) 
Although his ankle problems cut his playing career short at AC Milan, they do not interfere with a very dedicated golfing career. They do, however, prohibit him from coming back to Milan as a manager. Or so his press conferences say whenever the position opens up and he is not chosen.   


*Sources include but not limited to the Interwebs, the British Press, and My Imagination (all equally reliable sources.)