Where Are They Now? Part III

In my third installment of this cruel, amusing, and sometimes informative update on past Milan players, I will give you the latest updates on what they are doing now, as well as when they actually played for Milan.* If you would like to catch up on other players or see where they were a while back, check out Part I and Part II. (These options are also available to engage and entertain those of you who are stuck waiting somewhere, trying to avoid some form of human contact, or simply avoiding work. Estimated wasted time: as long as you like.)

That face. Who could fire that face? Not even Zamparini.

Gennaro Gattuso (1999-2012)

After an emotional departure last summer, following 13 passionate years at AC Milan, Gattuso invaded the formerly neutral Switzerland. Playing for Swiss Club Sion, his experience and grinta were rewarded by making him their leader. Well, actually their player-manager, a position he was appointed to midseason and then relieved of at the end of the season. However, latest rumors say that Zamparini has contacted him about managing the pathetically relegated Palermo in Serie B next season. It is thought that Gattuso would be like rehab for the manager-firing addict, as Zamparini would be too intimidated to fire him.

Gunnar Nordahl (1948-1956)

Upon leaving Milan, the legendary former Milan striker played a couple of years at Roma, including one as player-manager. He then enjoyed over 20 years coaching in his native Sweden before retiring in 1980. Unfortunately, he passed away just before his 74th birthday in 1995. But his record of 2nd highest scorer in Serie A was finally eclipsed by Francesco Totti this season. It is believed that it is his ghost that is trying to get Allegri to move to Roma so that Allegri can end Totti’s career as payback.

Djamel Mesbah (2012-2013)

The beloved Milan player and probable Ballon d’Or winner had such a star-studded and overwhelming influence during his time at Milan that it is almost impossible to count his numerous appearances for the club. However, the Algerian generously moved to Parma in January to try to make room for less talented players to grow at Milan and also to raise awareness of transfer market abuse.

Manuel Rui Costa (2001-2006)

After leaving Milan, Rui Costa returned to his native Portugal and his original club, Benfica. After playing a couple of more seasons, in 2008, he hung up his boots and was immediately appointed Director of Football at Benfica. As such, he has been a capable Milan mole, ensuring that Benfica did not perform better in the Champions League than Milan. He might have fit the profile of a potential Allegri candidate, but it is felt that the work he is doing at Benfica for Milan is more valuable.

Demetrio Albertini (1988-1990, 1991-2002)

After leaving Milan, Albertini played for four different clubs in 2 different leagues over 3 years. Always the devout Milan fan, when the Milan Calciopoli-countering efforts kicked in during 2006, he loyally stepped forward to represent. He became the vice-President of the FIGC, ensuring that Milan received special treatment were always treated fairly. (A little known fact is that his influence at the FIGC was more responsible for Milan’s third place finish this season than Allegri’s tactics.)

George Weah (1995-2000)

Following his departure from Milan, Weah also wandered between clubs before retiring in 2003. He has since devoted his life to political and humanitarian projects in his native Liberia, after living in the United States for a while. In fact, he ran for president of Liberia in 2005, but was beaten by a woman. Speaking of beating women, he has let FIFA know that if they need any help actually knocking out racism, he will do his part, just like he did with Jorge Costa in 2006.

Didac Vila (2011-2013)

With his one unforgettable appearance for Milan in 2011, Vila has become a poster child for those who oppose standardized healthcare benefits by missing out the entire season this year after suffering a pelvic hernia and receiving corrective surgery. This was unintentional, though, as he tried to leave last year, but was unable to for his health. He and his agent have been fishing for months now to try to sell him to any La Liga side for any amount of cash. Anything to leave Milan.

Oliver Bierhoff (1998-2001)

After leaving Milan, Bierhoff played a couple of more seasons before retiring. Unable to infiltrate the Italian national team or achieve success with Germany’s national team, the former Milan striker now simply tries to apologize for Germany’s poor performances vs. Italy by working with the German national team in a PR role. In many ways, he is still reprising his role as a target man.

Cristian Brocchi (2001-2005, 2006-2008)

After playing another six years for Lazio following his departure from Milan, Brocchi just retired this month from football. Despite leaving Milan effectively three times throughout his career, he simply can’t get enough of the club, and is willing to do anything to be associated with Milan. Anything. Including coach the Allievi ’98 youth team, a position he was just announced for today. Welcome back, Milan addict.

Kakha Kaladze (2001-2010)

After a couple of years with Genoa, the Georgian international retired from football in 2012. When not atoning for his political career with some humanitarian work, Kaladze is most famous for scoring 2 goals for Italy in World Cup qualifying in 2010 while wearing a Georgia kit. To say thank you, this Friday, an all-star group of players including many former Italy internationals, will be playing a testimonial match in Tblisi to honor the Italian star. They have promised he can score as many own goals as he likes.

*Dates mostly accurate, other facts randomly accurate and based on reliable and trustworthy sources such as The Sun, L’Equipe, Goal.com, or my imagination (with my imagination being the most realistic and likely resource.)

This post inspired by the music of Missing Persons