Saturday, May 30, 2015

Atalanta 1, Milan 3: Family Affair


They say children hurt their parents, and I can attest to that. I know I hurt my parents and my children have certainly hurt me. But this situation was a little bit different, in that Milan’s goalscorers were both Atalanta youth products, playing back home in Bergamo. Oh, and of course Inzaghi spent a year at Atalanta, too. But I don’t know how much they hurt their former club, as Atalanta were firmly in 17th place, with no hope of moving up or down based on this result. it made for an interesting conundrum for the vociferous Atalanta fans, who in the end did seem to applaud Bonaventura as he was subbed off.

A brace for Jack tonight, he was fantastic on his return to his former club

Atalanta vs. Milan: Full Circle



Thursday, May 28, 2015

Atalanta-Milan Preview: Last Leg


As the team heads into the last leg of the season, fans are also on their last legs after this season to forget. Even the league could care less, having switched the game from Sunday to Saturday, even though traditionally the last games are all played simultaneously. Berlusconi has already made it very clear that he will not be keeping Inzaghi, although he has yet to be officially sacked. And our injured captain, Montolivo, is already posting travel photos, too. It’s like the game is a mere formality, something that stands in the way of travel plans, change of personnel plans, and more. The only people who are probably savoring it are the statistical 8.6 players who are likely leaving Milan this summer, based on the past three years’ transfer market averages. Otherwise, it’s like everyone’s emotions are also on their last leg.

In a season to forget, Inzaghi will probably remember every painful moment

Monday, May 25, 2015

The Search for Consistency


To get consistency, you’ve got to be consistent. And Milan has been anything but. We’ve seen the turnover in the squad, but rarely does anyone take the time to quantify it. So in December, I did. Since then, with one mercato, those numbers have grown to 46 players in and 52 players out since the summer of 2012. That’s more players than Mexes has red cards. More players than Berlusconi has convictions. And more players than the number of times Galliani has eaten at Giannino this week. Maybe. But it’s no wonder that Milan’s squad has spiraled downhill since that point. The coaches and injuries may have impacted results, but the biggest impact is the lack of consistency.

These were 4 of a starting 11 earlier this season. Will any of them be here next season?

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Milan 3, Torino 0: Sending Off


This was likely the last Milan home game for many of our players tonight, and I think the mentality was to send them off appropriately: with a win. Or maybe it was to see how many red cards we could get and have players sent off, I don’t know. At least they decided to send them off in style with those amazing new kits. But with some divine comedy, we achieved it all… the win and both actual sending offs and probable ones.

Some endings and some new beginnings

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Milan-Torino Preview: Penultimate Torment


There aren’t as many fans who have watched every single game this season, and I completely understand why. It is a twisted form of masochism this year, and not all of us are that dark and twisted. But whether or not you’re as dark and twisted as I am, we can all be grateful for one thing: tomorrow’s match is the penultimate torment of this season.

Perfect that Darmian has become the player everyone wants at Torino, we sold out another Milan youth talent

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Pain


I really didn’t care about this Coppa Italia final. I don’t like either team, and I didn’t care what happened. But then something inexplicable happened. Matri almost scored the winner, just before the final whistle. I was so thankful when it was called off for offside. But then, ten minutes later in extra time, he did score the winning goal. You know, the player we agreed to pay €11m for to a rival club? The one who could possibly, on a good day, be worth half that much… maybe? The one whom we bought, then loaned to two other clubs, only to loan him back to the same team we purchased him from? All the while paying half of his wages? And not only did he score the winner tonight in Rome, he did much better at all of the other clubs than he did for us. It was like being kicked in the stomach. With a steel-toed boot. With cleats. By something with superhuman strength. As a Milan fan not only was this adding insult to injury, but it was like a whole new level of trauma to a season filled with so much pain.

He's cheating on us and is now a hero, while we suffer more

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Playing Hard to Get


After media rumors had reported not only a sale of a majority share of the club, but also who would be coming and going in the organization, Milan fans with their hearts set on the mysterious Mr. Bee had a slap in the face of reality when reports began that Silvio Berlusconi was still courting other investors. Even more so when Berlusconi himself began to speak about multiple investors still in talks. Worse still was when the club President spoke so highly of himself and admitted that he was likely to simply hang on to the club without any new investors at all. For Milan fans who have been dreaming of a cash infusion from anywhere, this was one of the worst examples ever of playing hard to get.

"Call me.... maybe I'll meet with you, maybe I won't... it's up to me... you know you want me"

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Sassuolo 3, Milan 2: With a Little Help From My Friends


The score will show that Sassuolo won today, but in reality, football lost. While there has been a precedent that Milan is the favorite target of both Sassuolo and Berardi, today we were the target of multiple poor calls by Guida and his assistants, who did their best to stick to the story. So not only did Milan lose, football lost, too.

Guida was the center of attention, just the way he likes it

Friday, May 15, 2015

Sassuolo-Milan Preview: Beauty and the Beast


After debuting Milan’s beautiful new kits last weekend, Milan are heading to the Stadio CittĂ  del Tricolore to try and slay the beast. That beast, of course, being Sassuolo. First they killed that Champions League finalist coach Massimiliano Allegri last year… well that’s not quite true, they rescued us from his evil grasp so that we would not fall prey to his success. Their next victim was Inzaghi, and they began our ascent into the depths of the Serie A table at the beginning of this calendar year with a defeat, too. Football is not a fairy tale, though, so don’t expect Sunday’s match to end happily ever after. This one is going to be more like a horror film version of Beauty and the Beast. And spoiler alert: Milan will fall to the beast, it’s just how this season goes.

Not even Honda's amazing fashion aesthetic could save him from the Beast

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Poll: We are the Champions


With Allegri using his Milan Champions League experience to take Juventus to the Champions League final, we have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves: when will Milan return to Champions League glory again? If the Champions League is in our DNA, then how long will it take for our genetics to overpower our current appearance and help us find glory again?

Monday, May 11, 2015

Podcast: Frustration


After three losses in a row, Milan won one match. And it wasn’t just any match, it was against second place Roma. And they also launched the sleek new kits, perhaps the best thing they’ve done all year. Not to lose our heads, but a lot of us were happy for this one win and the great new kits, putting us in a better mood to evaluate Milan present and speculate on Milan’s future. And to vent some frustration.

Galliani's right hand man

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Milan 2, Roma 1: Looking Good


As a woman and fashion designer, I know very well that when you look good, you feel good. And if you feel good, you are better at whatever you do. It’s called confidence. Tonight was no exception. After about five years of poor home kits, Milan unveiled next season’s sleek new kit, and the boys answered with a 2-1 defeat of second place Roma. Because it’s all about looking good.

It's all love and hugs in the new kits

Milan vs. Roma: When Wolves Attack


(image from Batman: The Animated Series "Moon of the Wolf," copyright DC Comics and Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc)

It ain't gonna be pretty, people

Friday, May 8, 2015

Milan-Roma Preview: The Big Bad Wolf


In December, we tamed the Big Bad Wolf, aka Roma, with a 0-0 draw that was like a victory for this AC Milan side. However, that was the first of many draws for a Roma side who was poised to take the Scudetto away from Juve at the beginning of the season. It was as if the Big Bad Wolf had simply run out of breath. But true to Milan’s luck this season, Roma have now won their last two matches and seem hell bent on keeping their second place berth. With Lazio only one point behind, they need to win every match, including ours. So a Milan team that was built of bricks who notoriously struggled against these wolves became the team that was built of sticks in December, and are now made of straw, ready to be blown to bits. I never did like that Big Bad Wolf.

This never turns out well

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Galliani Maths™


In his not-so-golden years, Galliani has very visibly slid downhill in his mercato deals and financial planning for Milan. But he’s improved very much in one thing: Galliani Maths™. Galliani Maths™ are a method of taking numbers and statistics and spinning them to make Milan seem better than they are. Like in a loss, finding something that makes it seem like we won instead. Galliani is so good at spinning things now, in his mind, I think we’re winning everything. So in this “season to forget,” I’m gonna take the numbers and spin them Galliani-style and give you something to remember. It’s all about the Galliani Maths™.

"Eleventh place is just two number ones"

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Napoli 3, Milan 0: Like Lambs to the Slaughter


With the form we’ve had in the past three matches, or the complete lack thereof, this match seemed doomed from the start. But just to ensure our failure, De Sciglio got himself sent off for a tackle on Hamsik in the first minute. So Milan had to play on 10 men from about 45 seconds in. But just like losing to Genoa last week, Milan are making history: De Sciglio’s red was the fastest red in Serie A this season. And so it was, playing the entire match on 10 men, Milan were like lambs to the slaughter.

"No habla gol" as Lopez denies Higuain's penalty in the opening minutes

Napoli vs. Milan: Snack Time



 Higuain will seek revenge for their December loss to Milan at the San Siro

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Napoli-Milan Preview: The Fight of the Century


Somewhere in the manmade oasis called Las Vegas, there is a boxing match being held tonight that is being called the fight of the century. But in Napoli on Sunday, there is a very different match taking place. It is a battle of two teams who are struggling not just for honor, but their very dignity. And then there are their two respective coaches, both of whom are being held accountable for the sheer lack of dignity in their teams’ performances. It’s not just Napoli vs. Milan, it’s Benitez vs. Inzaghi: The Fight of the Century.

"Who wants a piece of me?"