Where Are They Now? Part V

For my favorite (and only) recurring series here on the blog, I offer updates on former Milan players as well as when they played for Milan. You may have previously read part I, part II, part III and part IV in earlier installments. As with those editions, some information is factual, some is non-factual, depending on how entertaining the facts are. At a time when we know exactly where our current Milan players are and how just painful that knowledge is, this edition attempts to distract, deceive, and disarm even the most depressed Milan fan. So in case you ever wondered about our former players, here are the partially true answers to “Where are they now?”

Kevin Constant (2012-2014)

The international sex symbol and world’s hottest footballer as voted by no one had a €7.5-8m season at Milan (or at least that's what it cost us,) then followed it up with a “did we keep the receipt and does Genoa take returns” season. But luckily Turkish side Trazbonspor didn’t watch that season, so they increased his salary and welcomed him like a god, which of course, he is.

Pato (2007-2012)

After a promising career interrupted in order to bulk up for The World’s Creepiest Coach™, Pato created a rift between future Milan CEO’s by spurning Galliani’s affections in favor of the owner’s daughter. Moving back home to Brazil and breaking up with her wasn’t enough to distance himself from the circus his choice created, so he instead focused on playing football again, now playing alongside Ballon d’Or winner Kaka at Sao Paulo.

Sebastiano Rossi (1990-2002)

Considered by many to be Milan’s greatest keeper of the modern era, yet also considered by the same people to be mediocre at best, he still holds the record for the longest clean sheet streak in Serie A. After retiring, he did work in Milan’s youth sector as part of the goalkeeping staff, but looking at Milan’s “commitment to youth,” realized his talents would be better off actually cleaning sheets, so took a job at a laundromat instead.

Ferdinando Coppola (2013-2014)

Redefining the “forever on loan” concept, Coppola was actually on the Milan books from 2006-08 and 2010-13, but spent that time loaned to four different clubs. Originally offered to stay at Milan this season and also help with the goalkeeping staff, when Bologna offered him the chance to play in Serie B, he jumped. He wanted the Milan fans, for whom he is largely unrecognizable, having never played an official match for them, to know that his choice wasn’t personal, he just prefers Pasta Bolognese to Pasta Milanese.

Alessandro Costacurta (1987-2007)

Another one of those mythical Milan youth products we keep hearing about, Costacurta is considered by many to be one of the greatest defenders of all time, having played next to the greatest in that back line. Since then, he’s had trouble following that act in football, with a couple of brief forays into coaching, he was rumored to be coming home to coach the reinstated Berreti youth team this year, but like Milan’s defense since he retired, went missing.

Alberto Gilardino (2005-2008)

The striker who is also known as “the Matri who scores” because of his “I’ve got a hot girlfriend so I don’t need a hairstyle” hair could simply not get enough Chinese food in Italy, so moved to Guangzhou Evergrande this year. Some say that he simply had a height complex and didn’t stand out enough at 1.84m (6’) in Italy, but he has quashed those rumors saying it was definitely the Chow Mein.

José Altafini (1958-1965)

Not content with being tied with the legendary Giuseppe Meazza for 4th all time Serie A goalscorer, Altafini’s true calling was to be a commentator for video games, which of course were not invented when he left Serie A in 1976. So in the meantime, he took a day job as a football commentator, where he is best known for coining the term “golazzo.” But in his heart, his biggest accomplishment in life is being one of the commentators for the Italian version of Pro Evolution Soccer.

Alessandro Matri (2013)

Having made history as the most overrated player with the largest waste of a transfer fee in Milan’s history, his singular goal in 6 months signified that his work there was done. So he packed up his hot WAG and now has a travelling circus act, going from club to club on loan while Milan still pay off his €11m Man™ transfer fee. This summer, he also indulged in skin cancer research, in the beach office. As a striker, his only claim to fame is inspiring Gilardino’s hair.

Dejan Savićević (1992-1998)

After retiring from football, Savicevic coached his national team for two years. Not content with just coaching, though, he became the president of the Montenegrin Football Association, where he has served for ten years. Of his choice to return home versus perhaps pursuing a post-football career in Italy, he explained that his obscenity-laced tirades were more well-received where people actually understood what he was saying. His hobbies include cursing, cursing at people, and cursing at random people on the street for no apparent reason.

Robinho (2010-2014)

One of Pelé’s heirs, as dubbed such by the legend when Robinho was merely 15 years old, Robinho instead chose a career in the sciences, being one of the first footballers to moonlight for NASA, launching balls into space for the organization in every Milan appearance. But as fans’ commitment to science waned in favor of “winning,” Robinho spent two years shopping for a Brazilian club who would pay for his kids’ college tuition, homes, and startup businesses. Once he dropped the last stipulation, Santos took him on loan this summer. NASA has relocated its satellites accordingly.

*Names and dates are Wikipedia level accurate, other information obtained from sources such as a flying purple unicorn, a goal-scoring Matri, Milan’s “commitment to youth,” and other fictions of my imagination.

This post inspired by the music of Pink Floyd

Our next match is the

Trofeo TIM

Saturday, August 23

20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT) Milan vs. Juventus

21:45 CEST (3:45pm EDT) loser of 1st game vs. Sassuolo

22:45 CEST (4:45pm EDT) loser of 2nd game vs. Sassuolo