Juventus 1, Milan 0: “Leave Milan Alone!”

Taking a note from Juve’s Drughi this week, and doing my best Chris Crocker impersonation, I decided that rather than “moan” about the match, I would take you inside my dark and twisted mind and simply share my notes from this one. I am also including a few of the comments I made on the blog (in red) and a few tweets (in blue) that I made during the game, too.

My lawyers have also asked me to remind you that these notes were made with a killer migraine and under the stress of sharing a couch with the enemy. As these are just notes and comments, I cannot be legally held responsible for anything said here. Also, no Uruk-hai, child-size players, or husbands were harmed in the compilation of these notes.

So they used a rainbow as their anti-racism message?
Juve's PR department is a little behind the times, don't you think?
(and yet this explains so much...)

Upon seeing the lineups, I am impressed. I think Allegri is tired of coming to the blog and hearing me complain about Boateng up front. This could be good.

Also, the Juve 3-5-1-1 is a stroke of genius on Conte’s part. All year, he’s tried to play 2 strikers when they really don’t even have one.

First half:

2’ Robinho shoots just wide, but looking dangerous

4’ Boateng and Vidal mixing it up. I love the defensive contributions Boateng makes when playing in the midfield.

6’ El Shaarawy has a decent shot saved

6’ Robinho doing his best keeper impersonation in the middle of the field, (handball) free kick to Juve.

7’ Pirlo takes free kick, Ambrosini deflects it, forcing Abbiati to change direction, but fantastic save

9’ Pazzini down, injured?

10’ Abbiati getting taped up, been clutching his right leg since the big save

Alright, who hurt my Abbiati? I'll KILL THEM. (or something)

Why would people be complaining about Abbiati’s injury as if he did something wrong?

ABBIATI GOT INJURED MAKING A SAVE THAT OTHER KEEPERS WOULDN'T HAVE MADE. BE HAPPY AMELIA IS A DECENT BACKUP (AND THAT WE DIDN'T CONCEDE)

12’ Ambrosini had a shot wide

13’ Zapata denying Vucinic with the old “clotheslining” technique

14’ Amelia subbing on for Abbiati, who is injured

17’ Pogba has seen one too many Karate movies, and practiced his overhead bicycle kicks too little. Montolivo ducks like a 12 year-old girl, too.

19’ Chiellini’s recovery was rather miraculous, don’t you think? Did he think there weren’t enough girls to play this match?

20’ Constant dismissing the Uruk-hai’s (Lichtsteiner’s) attempted pass like King Kong would swat down a plane.

20’ Asamoah trying out for the Sky Jousting™ tournament

21’ Milan’s defense is holding as well as or better than Juve’s legendary 5-man midfield (Milan finished with 58% possession)

22’ If only Pirlo would pass it to Ambrosini a little closer, maybe that shot wouldn’t have gone wide. (Good thing Pirlo seems to have forgotten they're not teammates anymore)

23’ El Shaarawy great shot from distance

25’ El Shaarawy taking on 3 Juve defenders better than some players do in 1v1 situations.

26’ Ambrosini taking down Chiellini just like old times

27’ Abate has been beast, he puts a nice cross in for Robinho who couldn’t quite control it

28’ Ambrosini shows Pirlo a little “gratitude,” Amelia saves his free kick after another Ambrosini deflection. Pirlo getting lots of “thank yous” from his former team today. Put that in your book, Pirlo.

33’ Where has the Uruk-hai gone to? Oh yeah, Constant’s kept him busy all night. Muahahahah! I bet the Uruk-hai isn’t used to that! (I love you Constant!)

38’ It took Chiellini and Asamoah to dispossess Pazzini.

38’ Vucinic shot, easily saved by Amelia, who was doing his best Allegri impression: “Calma Calma Calma.”

39’ Ambrosini getting his ankle taped up.

40’ El Shaarawy schooling the Uruk-hai as the latter tries to position himself for a shot on goal

41’ Marchisio offside, Amelia had it covered anyway

Also, I'm here, it's fine for Milan to score in these last couple of minutes.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, BOYS?

42’ Pazzini beats Bonucci, snakes through the box toward goal, stopped by Chiellini

45’ El Shaarawy fearlessly chasing down Chiellini. Robinho shoves him from behind, doesn’t get carded for it. Chiellini is still on the ground complaining like a girl again, looking for the call. Me: “Shut up! You got shoved down by a Brazilian! Get up and be a man!”

Halftime: Conte runs away like the girl whose hair transplants he got.

The fateful save

Second half:

Muntari replaces Ambrosini at the half.

Seems like our boys figured out how to get Allegri to sub early, they just get injured. :(

2-3 injuries, 2 subs in the first 45 min.

47’ Juve on attack, Chiellini tries a header that goes over the bar

50’ Boateng replies with a shot wide. But his accuracy is much better when he plays in midfield.

54’ Abate takes down Chiellini like a boss

I LOVE YOU ABATE!!!

54’ Vucinic goes down in the box while Zapata was simply in the same country, looks for the call, Banti does not oblige

IF VUCINIC WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT CALL, I WOULD HAVE COMMITTED MURDER.

(AND MY HUSBAND IS NEAREST TO ME.)

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A LOT OF CAPSLOCK TODAY.

I AM A WOMAN WITH A MIGRAINE WHO MISSED THE FIRST HALF OF *HER* GAME.

AND MY TEAM HAS NOT YET SCORED.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

56’ Asamoah charging in the box, Amelia goes to stop him, gets a touch on the ball, but Asamoah is “taken down.” Banti gives Amelia the yellow card and awards Juve the penalty. (sigh) I guess this is more than fair, we won the last game because of a poor ref call.

Vidal steps up, converts the penalty in the upper right hand corner, now way anyone could stop that. 1-0 Juve.

I SHOULD WARN YOU ALL THAT I AM A WOMAN WITH A MIGRAINE WHO MISSED THE 1ST HALF OF MY GAME. AND MY HUSBAND'S TEAM JUST SCORED ON A PK.

SO DON'T MESS WITH ME OR MY ABBIATI.

63’ Mexes and his girlfriend du jour, Chiellini, get a little warning from the ref for their hugging and kissing

THIS IS WHY I'M USUALLY NOT ON TWITTER DURING GAMES.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY

66’ Zapata gets a yellow because Vucinic loves him

68’ Aannnd…. Another Vucinic fail

70’ Milan clearance on aisle 5. Damn, our defense is on tonight.

71’ Mexes yellow…. can’t leave the pitch without one

73’ Boateng puts in a dangerous cross. I still hate the hair, but see how much more I love you in the midfield?

73’ Aaandd… Montolivo showing his class. Lucky not to see yellow on that one.

74’ Muntari takes a shot, Buffon catches it so as to be very clear it did not cross the line

77’ The Uruk-hai trying not to kill Boateng, the one player we all mutually wish was dead

80’ Padoin on for the Uruk-hai

80’ I punched the husband for cheering his team, but did not give him a yellow. (He was bragging “I think that was our first sub.” Probably should have punched him harder.)

82’ My son punched his dad because I told him to

83’ Bojan leveled by Chiellini (he probably just didn’t see Bojan.)

84’ Boateng trying to teach Asamoah his over-the-back circus routine, but Asamoah is not a fast learner.

86’ Montolivo shoots the ball, but realizes that there must be some kind of magnet in the ball and Buffon’s hands

88’ I am trying the counter-cheering to my husband, who is rooting for Vidal. Then I suddenly realize that Vidal is on my Fantasy team. Now I have a conundrum.

89’ Mexes shoots the ball wide

90’ Quags comes on for Vucinic. Conte is just trolling with the subs now.

91’ Montolivo is playing bouncy ball with Buffon, but Buffon’s gloves win again

92’ Peluso on for Asamoah. Timewasting and trolling? Uggggh.

1-0 Juve FINAL.

AND I CAN'T EVEN CRY ON HIS SHOULDER BECAUSE ITS COVERED IN BLACK AND WHITE STRIPES.

If there’s anything I learned from our fixtures with Juventus this year, it’s that the refs simply want to make it to their cars in safety. The calls say it all.

Also, I predicted the determining factor of this match in my gamepost:

The White Hand of Conte means nothing.

Everyone knows this game will be decided by the ref.

This freaks me out. I should do something with these powers.

YOU JUVE PEOPLE SHOULD COME RESCUE MY HUSBAND FROM ME.

IT'S NOT PRETTY HERE.

I'M JUST SAYIN.

PEOPLE, I REALLY AM A NICE PERSON. JUST NOT RIGHT NOW. #KeepSposatoAlNemicoSafe

IT REALLY HAS MORE TO DO WITH THE MIGRAINE THAN THE LOSS, BUT THE LOSS ISN'T HELPING. #KeepSposatoAlNemicoSafe

Well done, boys. I'm proud of you

Okay, so not sure why everyone is blaming Allegri on this one. I think our boys played very well. I thought his lineups were great, 2 of his 3 subs were forced by injury, the third is exactly what I would have done, and by the 70th minute, too. He showed some brains and flexibility to relegate Boateng to the midfield, and it worked. The penalty conceded was the determining factor in this match, and Allegri had nothing to do with that. LEAVE ALLEGRI ALONE!

I was proud of Milan. We fought the good fight. It was a heartbreaking loss considering the results of the day, as Fiorentina are now only one point behind us, and Napoli are a full seven points ahead of us, so 2nd place is all but out of the question, and third place is now in even greater doubt. But I kinda thought we outplayed Juve, even if only marginally, especially in the first half. And when you look at the number of fouls (which is a stat that often shows a disparity in quality) we had almost double theirs, 19 fouls to their 10. With much more quality, we matched them almost shot for shot, kept more possession, and would have gotten the point were it not for the unfortunate incident with Amelia. Could we have even imagined such a thing in September? To go to Juventus Stadium and play as well as the big boys? It’s disappointing to end our undefeated streak, but there is no shame in losing to the league leaders. You could, however, argue, that there is shame in being a Juve fan, so I will hold my tear-stained face high and say “Leave Milan alone!”

This post inspired by a raging migraine

Our next match is 

Milan vs. Catania

Sunday, April 28 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT