Tuesday, April 2, 2013

PFW: Women’s Commitment to Youth


Almost two years ago, I wrote about how to get a girl to like football. My theory was that PFW, or Porn for Women, was your best chance at success. Before you giggle like a schoolgirl, it is not porn in the way that men know it. It’s not dirty at all, although maybe you don’t tell your woman it’s called Porn for Women, that might damage your chances. Women are emotional, men are visual. So to appeal to a woman’s emotions, you should look to the youth.


Sorry, Bojan, for once you're actually not young enough.

No, I’m not talking about the young players, although with so many of them on the team now, it does make this experiment more difficult. Also, there are laws about that. I’m talking about watching the players with their own children. Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man with his child(ren). And pay attention, don’t take this out of context, or you’ll be watching football alone for the rest of your life while the smart guys get to watch it with their harems.

Sport in general and football in particular is not an easy sell to the gentler sex. Our minds are not wired for tactics and analysis, or even the raw brutality of a clash of hot sweaty men on a muddy pitch. That’s for you boys. But if you show a woman pictures and videos of those same players with their children, she will suddenly be very interested in the "beautiful" game. I offer you the following exhibits for your own indoctrination of the females in your lives:

De Jong helping his daughter overcome her fear of giant mice

Father, footballer, musician.... Triple X rating

Robinho: The adorable rating is off the charts

Two kids, twice as adorable. (point out their little suits for bonus points)

Nocerino and son being interviewed (click link for actual video)

You see, the boy is on the pitch. With his hot footballer father. Rated X.

Constant & son...Okay, maybe this one is for the guys.

There are no words for this level of adorable. And he's not even attractive.

Angelic. Just don't tell her his name is Antonini.

Amelia and his son. My head just exploded from the adorable factor.

Ambrosini and his son sledding. Does it get any better than this?

Yes, it gets better. He's holding his son AND crying.  Boom.

And if none of those seal the deal and get her to be interested in your Milan, go for the jugular with this video from the 2011 Scudetto celebrations. But beware, it could backfire on you, and you could find yourself being a father yourself in about nine months from her viewing. It’s potent stuff, so take precautions.

If you play your cards right and stifle your Neanderthal tendencies for just long enough, you never know. Before you know it, you could be explaining the offside rule using credit card and shopping analogies and teaching her the various players' positions using the veggie tray that she made for the game. That's right, before you know it, that special woman in your life could end up obsessed with football and with Milan just like me. Well, hopefully a little less obsessed, for your sake. But still, we need to get more women committed to the youth in football. So go out and spread the gospel of the beautiful game. 

You’re welcome.


This post inspired by the music of They Might Be Giants


Our next match is
Fiorentina vs. Milan
Sunday, April 7 • 12:30 CST (6:30am EDT)