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Trofeo TIM: There Goes the Neighborhood


It’s not enough that we have to share a city and a stadium with those filthy, wire-tapping weasels. Wait, that’s an insult to the weasels. Sorry weasels. But now after two years of thinking they are too good for a little preseason tournament, Inter are back. And for the first time since the tournament began, Juventus are not competing. I don’t know if it’s because Allegri still can’t get over Inzaghi beating him or if they realized that it’s a trophy they’ve only ever won once and they decided to give up trying, but they’re not in it this time. (It most likely has to do with the scheduling of the Supercoppa in China over the weekend, but that’s what they want you to believe, right?) So it’s Sassuolo, Milan, and the scum-sucking biscione delinquents this time around. There goes the neighborhood.

To keep the neighborhood clean, we'll have to pull off the repeat

The Trofeo TIM tournament is a bizarre, over-caffeinated tournament consisting of three 45 minute matches, a tournament that not even Sepp Blatter will sign off on. (I know because I offered him cash, but he refused… or maybe that was someone else...) It’s not FIFA-sanctioned because the 45 minute halves do not follow the FIFA Rules of the Game. So it makes sense, that not following the rules, Inter have actually won it eight of the fourteen times it has been contested. Milan have won it four times, and Sassuolo won it once of the two times they have participated. Twelve of the fourteen times it has been played, the winners did not go on to win the Scudetto. The two times they did? It was those vile, maggot-ridden snakes-for-brains. So it doesn’t really matter who wins, except we can’t let those disgusting league-destroying Nerazzurri take that trophy home this time. It may be the only tournament they can win without court intervention, but it doesn’t mean we have to let them win it again.

Each team plays the other team over three matches, and if there is not a winner in 45 minutes (or Inter try to get the courts involved,) then they go directly to penalties to decide a winner. A winner in regulation gets three points, a winner on penalties gets two points, a loser on penalties gets one point, and zero points for a loss in regulation. The points for a team wearing blue and black after they ask a judge to intervene will be determined at a future date, in which case, the true winner will be stripped of their trophy and a paper one given to the dark side of Milan. So you can see why victory within regulation is important to have a hope of keeping those thug reptilian filthy tongues off of the hardware.

Winning isn't everything, there are also court cases and wire tapping

Milan won last year, as a special gift to a former coach on Allegri Day™ from the greenie coach whose playing career he benched. The year before that, it was marred by some serious injuries and racist chanting, although it was lovely for Sassuolo to take the trophy home in their inaugural tournament. Particularly since Squinzi, their owner, is a Milanista. I don’t care if Milan win this one or not, I just want anyone but those putrid, corrupt little tiny worms-with-scales to take it home. Just because their best streak of winning trophies on the pitch consists of games that are only 45 minutes long, doesn’t mean they deserve anymore trophies. Get some Cialis and learn how to play like men for 90 minutes, you shameful, slithering excuses for excrement.

This used to be a lovely little preseason tournament, with a trophy as a bonus. But it has become more of an oh-crap-please-no-injuries-gods-of-football glorified training session. Except when those fetid, vagabond little refuse-serpents participate. Then it becomes necessary to take it more seriously, like superheroes whose duty it is to clean up society. Whatever happens with the outcome, it would be great to see Milan play like we did in China (especially with another win over Inter.) And with Romagnoli called up, it might be our first chance to see him, too. Plus, of course, the eagerly awaited debut of Goal Line Techology. A 45 minute match is not a match, but it is a chance to show those pungent, slimy, spineless, degenerate black and blue toilet brushes their place in the pecking order of football: There are teams like Milan and Sassuolo, who do not wiretap everyone they know and hide evidence in a league-wide scandal. And then like true bottom-dwellers, there is the one team that does. Now that they’re back in the tournament this year, there goes the neighborhood.


This post inspired by the music of AC/DC


The Trofeo TIM Tournament
AC Milan vs. Sassuolo vs. Inter
Wednesday, August 12
20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT): AC Milan vs. Inter
21:45 CEST (3:45pm EDT): Sassuolo vs. Loser of the 1st game
22:45CEST (4:45pm EDT): Sassuolo vs. Winner of the 1st game
This match will NOT be shown live in the U.S.
Please post working streams if you find them… thanks!