Wednesday, August 7, 2013

LA Galaxy 0, Milan 2: Natural Selection


Warning: This may be the least classy review I have ever written. I claim insanity by virtue of geographical location, and also being forced to listen to Eric Wynalda and friends, so therefore should be absolved of your judgment.

The natural order of the football universe restored (and another 3rd place finish!)
It was written in the stars. The Amurican press was going crazy with arrogance reserved solely for the country what makes the 10 gallon hats and eats half a cow on a dare. Why? The LA Galaxy, their “soccer” darlings beat Italian giants Juventus on Saturday. So this just had to be. Milan had to reclaim Italian supremacy to shut these people up. I also note that it is, not so coincidentally, shark week, so a match of sharks vs. minnows could only have one ending: the Milan sharks got fed… well. And, considering they also took from me something that was precious, by defeating Juventus for my son’s first professional match that he watched live, my vengeance would not be complete without a convincing win in this meaningless (except to me) preseason friendly. It was simply natural selection at its finest.

"Mommy told me not to let him have the ball!"

Normally, I break down the match, tell you what I did and didn’t like about it, who shone, who didn’t, whether or not Allegri got the lineups and tactics right. But this one is different. I’m just gonna keep it unclassy for you.

So it only took 17 minutes before Balotelli punished my hometown team in the best way possible. 1-0 Milan. Suck that, Galaxy lovers. In the 26th, El Shaarawy would have gotten one, too, were it not for a fantastic save from Cudicini. I say he was channeling his father, Fabio, who played for Milan (he did, too, briefly, but never made any official appearances.) Too bad for El Shaarawy. Despite pressing very hard, the Galaxy, led by their precious whiny Donovan, never really came close to scoring against an actual football team. Yeah, that’s right, Galaxy boys, this is the closest you’ll ever get to a real football team, so breathe it in.

You know you're screwed if you are getting owned by Nocerino

So blah, blah, blah a bunch of stuff happened that I could care less about, and BAM! In the 40th Niang scored. From a throw-in. 2-0 Milan. That’s right, losers. You just got scored on by an 18 year old French player who plays in Italy. Do you even know where either of those countries are? Take a long hard look at those fancy boots he’s wearing (or “cleats” as you so exclusively call them,) because that might be the last time you see them standing still.

Ummm…. So anyway, to troll the tactically inept Bruce Arena, Allegri made a number of changes in the second half. Appearances were made by De Jong, Amelia, Muntari, Constant, Traoré, Petagna, Iotti, Kingsley Boateng, and Cristante. That’s right, we left a 23 year-old new signing on the pitch for 90 minutes when all you could do was clothesline him while he showed his mad skills, and also a World Cup winning defender whose claim to fame was scoring a goal for the US in the 2006 World cup. Allegri subbed 9 of our starting 11. Not only that, but Allegri trolled Arena further by allowing Traoré and Muntari take all of the shots, most of which were better than anything the Galaxy attempted all night. One of Muntari’s shots even rattled the crossbar like his young teammate Bang Bang Niang might have done. It’s called respect, American media. Now bow down and show some.

More talent in his laces than in all of your team put together. Remember his name, it's M'baye Niang.

There was one scary moment, when Balotelli went down in the 79th minute. It seemed at first that he had sustained a serious injury, but reports as of this writing are that it was just cramping, which running around for 80 minutes in 88°F weather can do for you. Personally, I thought it was a mercy move on his part. He probably felt bad for the little minnows and he had eaten his fill in the first half. Either way, hopefully it was just the cramping, it would really suck to lose Balotelli now. Because unlike our opponents on the night, we have European Champions League qualifications around the corner and actually need to be able to play at a decent level sometime in this century.

So in summary, the LA Galaxy suck, and Milan are more awesome than they could ever dream of being, despite it only being our preseason and having a squad riddled with injuries. Or, as my daughter pointed out, Milan rule, Galaxy drool. That’s right, drool back home to LA and the second half of your pathetic season playing the game that loosely resembles football with your lame players and your substandard coach. Sure, you can still say that you beat Juventus. But when faced with a real Italian team, you couldn’t measure up. It’s all about natural selection.


This post inspired by the music of Rage Against the Machine’s “The Battle of Los Angeles” album