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I Heard it at Milanello

With the first day of preseason training under our belts, the days of real news loom closer… but not quite. Today we feed the rumor mill with fabricated gossip that could only come from Milanello…


It was the first day of preseason training at Milanello. Over 5,000 fans showed up to get a glimpse of the new squad in training. Of course the Brazilian contingency were still freezing their butts off in Argentina and trying to remember how to score goals at the Copa America. Well and Yepes, at least he was doing his job there. Ibrahimovic and Cassano had used their national team duties in June as an excuse to get an extra week off. Well, and to be fair, it was Cassano’s birthday. It would have been hard for him to train when he wasn’t sober.


Having arrived at the same time, Boateng and van Bommel caught up with their summer activities.
Van Bommel: “So did you do anything fun this summer?”
Boateng “I went around to retirement homes and performed my moonwalk routine. They don’t remember that Michael Jackson is dead, so they thought I was really him. I must have signed hundreds of autographs. It was crazy. How about you? Did you do anything exciting?”
Van Bommel: I had to do some work for my father-in-law. I’ve got to keep my place on the Oranje, you know?


Meanwhile, Paloschi, El Sharaawy, Mexes, and Taiwo were given a traditional Milan welcome: Here, wear this. Stand there. Smile. Now over here. Smile, good. Now back over here, we forgot the coach. Smile. Okay, now do a handstand. No? Hmmmm. What about a roundoff? Well, okay stand over here. Smile. Okay. You say you are footballers? Anyone got a ball? No? How can this be Milanello and no one has a ball? Okay. Pay attention! This is serious! Now smile…


At one point, El Sharaawy & Mexes decided to break the ice. El Sharaawy introduced himself in Italian, to which Mexes responded in French: “Wait, you’re one of them? How is it that everyone else around here speaks Italian? This is going to be one very long season.”


Meanwhile, Cool Hands Abbiati posed for cameras to indicate that he does, indeed, take the gloves off now and again. Everyone was amazed at how soft and supple his skin was on his hands, and wanted to know his secret. He refused to share, but I suspect it has something to do with some bag balm and wearing those gloves all of the time. But I do have to say, it was refreshing to see that he has normal hands. I thought perhaps they were robotic, or that he had some terrible skin disease that left him wearing those gloves 24/7.


Meanwhile, it was back to work. Allegri was outlining the goals for the year. “…So after 18, comes 19…” El Sharaawy interrupted, “Excuse me, Mister? I was wondering if you could tell us who Mr. X is?” Allegri looked around carefully and replied, “There is no Mr. X. There never was. It was all a big diversion for the press. We didn’t mean for it to get out of hand like this.” There was an audible sigh of disappointment throughout the squad. Ambrosini gestured to Gattuso that he needed to pay up, as if there had been a wager. Allegri opted to distract them with some movement.


As the guys were being put through their paces, a number of conversations could be heard:
“Did you see that awful away kit Pirlo has to wear this year?”
"Makes you feel grateful for ours this year, right?"
“Just goes to show you that you will be punished for leaving Milan.”
“So Milan are like a cult?”
“ Well we are the devils, right?”

“How do you think Roma will do this year? They just signed Lamela.”
“Yeah, but they are still Roma. And now they are owned by an American. We will take them.”

“So what of this fine for Fininvest? Do you think they will try to sell some of us off?”
“I don’t know, but I hope not. If we are to challenge for the Champions League, we need some depth.”


Meanwhile, Galliani was having a conversation of his own. “Now listen. We don’t want everyone to panic. But this Fininvest fine is the end of Milan for the President and I. He will sell the club shortly. I have been offered a job at Barcelona, and have decided to take it. But I want you to look after my Milan for me and let me know if anything comes up…”


Keep in mind, I was not actually there at training, but rumor has it…


This post was inspired by the music of New Order