Milan's Fourth Kit by KOCHÉ: Optical Terrorism

Apparently, the Milan fashion elite are appropriating the "When in Rome" concept, because this week is Milan Fashion Week, so Puma and Milan released a fourth kit designed with French designer KOCHÉ. The press release claims the kit is "Rossonero reality reinterpreted in digital 8-bit glory." Or was that gory? Because my eyes are bleeding just looking at it. Worse still, our players actually have to wear them when we host Atalanta on Sunday. They deserve so much better. After what we've been through, particularly since January, we deserve so much better. This is not "street-inspired couture," it is optical terrorism.

Optical terrorism.

I do not know how much time the Puma designers spend in the dye houses, but clearly, it is way too much time. Those chemicals have fried their brains. The statement from Marco Mueller, PUMA Senior Head of Product Line Management Apparel Licensed, demonstrated that he was definitely under the influence of something:

"Pixels are the atoms of digital images. They can be reminiscent of 8-bit games, nostalgic early internet graphics, and take a contemporary form in the shape of Crypto punks, which are at the center of pop culture today. The idea behind the jersey print is to bend the pixels in a perspective that will pay tribute to the iconic stripes, but at the same time decompose the pixels to blend into the black of the jersey to create a stylized digital look and feel."

Art called. It wants its frame back.

Have they lost their minds? Are they just making things up now to mock us? The pattern looks like our players got run over and then a bomb exploded, then for some reason, someone stuck a collar on it. It is shockingly frightening "design." 

Never forget that KOCHÉ are the same people who took the cheaply made Puma kits that never sold and re-purposed them into these abominations. Then they sold them for hundreds of Euros. Many of which are still available, of course. Because who in the hell would buy them? And why would anyone do that to a Milan kit, even a cheaply made one?

The man is a legend. Don't dress him like a clown.

We should be focusing on the fact that this week marks the 20th anniversary of Fondazione Milan, and all of the amazing work they have done over the past 20 years. But no. We have to lose our eyesight thanks to some "designers," and I do use that word with pure and total disdain. Casper Stylsvig, Milan's Chief Revenue Officer, said that the kit represented "AC Milan's innovative drive to be a pioneer and a trend setter...and it is a testament to AC Milan's ability to merge football and fashion in a credible and authentic way."

Maybe if the background is so busy, we won't notice how grotesque the kit is?

No. Has he seen our third kits this season? People lose their lunch when they see them, and Milan lose all credibility as well. With Pioli's ugly new defensive tactics, we cannot really afford to lose anymore credibility. And am I the only one who has noticed that the more hideous the design of the kits, the busier and more distracting they make the backgrounds of the photographs? They are trying to take your eyes off the abominations they have created, but nothing can save us from this optical terrorism.

This post inspired by the music of She Wants Revenge's "Tear You Apart"

Our next match is 
Serie A Week 24
Milan vs. Atalanta
Sunday, February 26, 2023 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm EST)

Milan's Fourth Kit by KOCHÉ: Optical Terrorism Milan's Fourth Kit by KOCHÉ: Optical Terrorism Reviewed by Elaine on 4:30 AM Rating: 5
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