The Italian Job

The day is finally here. Less than four weeks from kickoff for Serie A and it’s time to hold the draw for the Serie A fixtures for 2013-14. That’s right, Italians procrastinate the big day long enough to give everyone involved hypertension, long enough so that every Serie A fan in the world asks “When are they announcing the fixtures?” and long enough for everyone to be bored by the mercato. But not quite long enough to kill anyone with said hypertension, not long enough for fans to stop asking, and not long enough for the mercato to actually be over. And in true Italian fashion, it can’t be simple. So fasten your seatbelt and hold on tight, today is time for The Italian Job.

The actual process of putting together the fixtures for each season is quite complicated, and a computer is utilized for the draw so that all of the variables are met. Those actual variables from Lega Serie A can be found here, but I find them too arbitrary and unreasonable, so I thought I could do better. So I give to you:

The Milan Obsession Serie A Fixture Rules of the Draw

1. Home and away games

a) yes, we should have them

b) home games shall be played at home stadiums wherever possible, barring circumstances such as bunga bunga parties, the obligatory midweek coach sacking ceremony, non-scheduled elections due to prior undecided elections, etc.

c) away games shall be considered away if the team must travel to a non-home stadium, unless your team is Cagliari, then you are screwed.

d) derbies cannot be played in the same round if there is money to be lost on TV rights or other financial gains, because it’s not about the sport, it’s about the money.

e) clubs who finished at the bottom of the table last season and newly promoted clubs shall play a big club away as their first match of the season so as not to let their heads get too big too quickly.

Teams who don't have the balls to fire their coaches on their own can pay to get a difficult run scheduled

2. For combining teams in single matches

a) midweek games shall be guaranteed to suck by not scheduling derbies, etc. midweek. This allows us to perpetuate the myth that no one watches midweek games.

b) teams whose owners are corrupt, lying bastards cannot face off against each other near Catholic holidays

c) teams who played each other 6 years ago on the full moon of the harvest Sunday shall not play each other again under the same circumstances

d) if you have not started drinking by now, you are probably Italian and therefore immune to this wordtrickery

e) clubs who play in Champions League bring more money into the economy than those who play in Europa League, so should play whenever they want to.

f) clubs who don’t play in Europe don’t matter, so they’ll play each other when we tell them to.

Despite weather records for decades, no allocation shall be made for the likelihood of mother nature's interference,
thus causing postponements and clogging of the calendar the poor computer spent so much time on

Additionally, after recent years’ events, there has been a caveat added that the league ensures that a friendly passerby on a scooter is available for any club owner of questionable sanity to catch a ride from following a grand, gesturing tirade if they are unhappy with any aspect of the fixture draw.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Italian Job. Stay tuned for the actual fixture list coming your way today, the variables for which are actually crazier than those listed here. You’re welcome.

This post inspired by the music of The Dead Milkmen

Our next match is the

Audi Cup Tournament

Manchester City vs. AC Milan
Wednesday, July 31 • 18:15 CEST (12:15pm EDT)