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Budget Milan™ Survival Guide

Even before Milan’s management betrayed the hearts of Milanisti worldwide this summer by selling Ibra and Thiago Silva, it was clear this season was going to hurt. All in all we said goodbye to fourteen players, and even if they had been replaced like for like in quality, it would still be a while before they would be a team and we could still not be playing our best football. But it was obvious that even before the mercato they were buying inferior players. And when PSG made them an offer they didn’t refuse, it was clear that we were in for some massive pain. Add in Galliani’s “hands on” supervision and repeated criticisms and confirmations of Allegri, and Allegri doing everything in his power to undermine the quality we do have and blaming everyone but the man in the mirror, and it has become painfully obvious that it is one of the worst times to be a Milan fan in its almost 113 year history.


So for today, I offer all Milanisti some ideas as to how to survive this season. For example, you are more likely to survive if you don’t read Allegri’s comments. In fact, everyone around you is more likely to survive if you observe this simple tip. We all have different ways of coping. Some of us masochists watch every game, others can only deal with life by not watching. In this climate, there is no right or wrong way to cope, and no one is more or less of a fan because of how they choose to deal with this horrible hand we’ve been dealt. It’s all just about surviving, so it’s every fan for himself. Or we can stick together, it’s your call.

The Drinking Game
Since the first match of the season, we have played the Milan Obsession Drinking Game to make it through each match. You can find the rules for the game here, but I have a few additional suggestions. First of all, be sure to always have plenty of hard liquor on hand. This will be especially important with our schedule the next two weeks. Secondly, lineups come out about an hour before each game and are posted here. May I suggest you check them right away? If they look particularly bad, you probably want to start drinking then. For example, if Boateng is lined up as trequartista, you will definitely want to drink twice as much as usual. I understand that you can become quite numb if you drink for a whole hour straight, and this will help lessen the pain once it is time for kickoff. Remember: Drink Responsibly. For Milan fans, that means drink often and drink a lot.

Perfect for your dartboard, you can scream "Dai! Dai! Dai" (or "Die! Die! Die!")

Darts
This simple classic game can provide a lot of stress relief in our time of need. You will need a dart board, a picture of Allegri, Berlusconi, Galliani, or your most hated player(s), and some darts. Be certain to mount the board in a safe location, not near your TV or computer screen, your siblings or children, your pet(s), or your Nonna. Simply affix your picture(s) of choice to the board and then throw the darts as hard and as often as you wish. If something makes you particularly frustrated or angry, you may walk over to the board and stab the picture repeatedly. Just be sure not to mistake anyone in your home for the pictured offender.

Protect Your Viewing Area
If you are anything like me, you may have already broken things this season as you’ve watched our Budget Milan™. May I suggest removing all breakables and sharp objects from your viewing area? You may also wish to give a warning to the other people you live with and/or your neighbors. May I suggest printing out the Serie A schedule so they will know when to lie low and to expect yelling, screaming, wailing, and hysterical crying from your place? You may also wish to inform them that there is no need to call the authorities if they should hear things being smashed or pounding on the walls, furniture, or floors. You are simply a Milan fan. They’ll understand by season’s end if they don’t already.

The perfect Milan game viewing room - both in mood and for safety purposes

Stick Together
The phrase “misery loves company” could not be more true than for Milan fans this year. While some wish to suffer in solitary pain, others find it helpful to lean on each other for support. If you are reading this, you are likely one of us. So feel free to come here and complain, yell, cry, or even laugh with us. There is a new post for you to read every 48 hours or less, and someone is always around during games to commiserate with. There are some simple guidelines for posting comments, but other than that, we are all here together to help each other get through these dark times. Unless you’re a Juventus fan pretending to be a Milan fan. Then you should probably go back to where you came from. But other than that, let’s commiserate together and maybe even make light of a terrible situation. With our season so far, obviously, all we have left is each other. Besides, it is also much easier to plan a coup the more people we have.

Okay, maybe those aren't the shoulders to cry on. But they're sticking together.

We all know that management screwed us all over this year, and continues to do so by sticking their heads in the sand and their PSG transfer monies in their pockets. At the beginning of the season, it seemed clear that Allegri should be replaced if we were to have any chance at success. But now, it is clear to everyone except him and management that he is doing more harm than good. We have inferior players, and Milan-quality players who are underperforming. Morale and discipline are at an all-time low, and none of this looks to be changing anytime soon. It hurts. And it seems like it is going to keep hurting, possibly even to relegation. But we will survive. With whatever coping mechanisms we can find, we’ll get through this together. Forshka Mklilan!


This post inspired by the music of Ludo

Our next match is
Napoli vs. Milan
Saturday, November 17 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm ET)