New Kits: Look What the Cat Dragged In

When it was announced that Adidas was dropping Milan as our kit provider, we all feared the worst. Then Puma was announced as our kit provider, and we knew it would be even worse than that. Even still, I am not sure we could be prepared for the atrocious disparity between last year’s amazing Adidas first kits and the feeble offering that Puma dragged in.

Note the dark lighting and tons of red smoke to obfuscate the poor quality, fit, and design

There are people who are okay with the new first kit. I am not. The fabric looks cheap. Very cheap. Definitely much cheaper than the fabrics Adidas used. Like economy polyester or something. The color of the red is cheap. Cheap like cheap red lipstick cheap. It’s so tacky, I’ll probably have to wear sunglasses when watching the matches this season.

The collar is comically small in proportion to the wide stripes, and there is a bizarre seam sewn straight down the collar points that is an inexplicably stupid detail which we will all have to pay for. Not to mention that the collar is poorly patterned so it is shaped and fits poorly and makes the collar that much more laughable. The plackets (the neck opening with the Velcro or snaps or whatever closure) don’t seem to match up at the neck. Yet another poor manufacturing detail and poor design. And don’t get me started as to how bad it looks when the placket is open. I mean they’re football kits, collars should never be a part of a football kit. Collars are for dress shirts. Our players deserve better. We deserve better.

Perhaps it was designed for the visually impaired?

As if the rest of the cut wasn’t poor enough, the jersey is very boxy. The boxiness as well as the sleeve length causes the sleeves to stick out. The length of the body of the jersey is wrong… just exactly the wrong length so as to expose the very poorly fitting white shorts. It looks like we are going to get to know our players a little more intimately than any of us wanted this season. People were worried about Puma jerseys being too tight, honestly, those would be better than this. They make our players look like they went shopping at Wal-Mart for their kits, and with everything else going on right now at the club, that is the last thing we need.

Does the temporary tattoo-like screen come with cotton candy?

The font used for the names and numbers is okay, but nothing amazing. The small red Diavolo screened below the back of the collar seems like an afterthought, and also more like a kids’ temporary tattoo from the local carnival than a sacred emblem of Milan worship. I don’t know what they were thinking with the sleeves, because combining the asymmetrical curves with the straight lines on the body of the kit looks like they just took two elements from two different jerseys and sewed them together. If I had to rate this kit on a scale of one to ten, I’d rather take my chances jumping out of a burning skyscraper into a moat of penalty-starved Juventini and Ronaldo bandwagoners than even give it a ‘one.’ Yes, it is that bad.

Wow, those black lines are fierce... like that kid who wrote on the wall with a Sharpie fierce

As if that wasn’t horrible enough, the away kit is even worse. Especially when you consider last year’s amazing offerings.  But how is that possible? Here is an artist’s rendition of the new kit:

The eye is drawn only to this detail, which is executed so poorly and has nothing to do with Milan

That is exactly all you see when you see this kit. One long black stripe with two short black stripes that don’t line up with it on the sleeves. As if a tiny kangaroo rode a unicycle through black paint and then across it, hopping between the sleeves and the chest.

This graphic embellishment could have been great. But the size, scale, and placement are so very, very wrong. Female fans, for example will look awful due to the horrific placement of the too-straight line. (When designing a “straight” line for people to wear, it’s always best to put a slight curve in it, so that when combined with the curves of the body, it looks straight.) Actually, all fans and players will look awful.

A shame that big fat red line isn't on the kit, that would at least improve it

That horrible line also divides the crest, logos, and names and numbers on front and back as if they were each separate entities. The red of the logos is too bright of a red again, making the whole thing look cheap and not worthy of the crest that looks to be screened on it, rather than the traditional sewn-on patch.

As if it couldn’t look cheaper than the first kit, the front and back of the neckline are finished off in the same way they finish off tank tops and baby onesies. And the black and red rib on the sides of the neck look like they were put there by someone with severe ADHD – who quickly forgot to finish their job. And, of course, the fit is poor again, just like the atrocious first kit.

"I'm supposed to wear this all season? I'm calling my agent."

In fact, the only detail I like about this kit is the shaped dolman sleeve seam (a seam that goes diagonally from the collar to the underarm,) which even despite the coverstitching, gets completely lost in the Sharpie pen lines and cheap red screening and everything else awful about this kit. Literally, it gets completely lost. If I had to rate this kit on a scale of one to ten, I would rather impale myself on a hundred of the Sharpie markers they used to make the lines and then jump into the middle of the ocean tied to the thousands of cases of these jerseys they will have left over since they are so very hideous.

Maybe UEFA were right. We should be banned. We can't even spell our own player's name

As if the poor kits were not insulting enough, when they did the away kit presentation, they literally spelled Calhanoglu’s name wrong on the back of his jersey. That should be the same person in charge of the names as when we had Adidas, but apparently, the kits are so poor that the person suffered short term memory loss and could not remember how to spell the player’s name they have been spelling for a year now. I can understand how these kits would affect someone like that. In fact, the rumored third kits literally look like something you'd pick up on clearance at Wal-Mart or KMart or something. Unbelievably cheap and tacky. That seems to be Puma's theme here.

The counterfeit jerseys outside the stadium are higher quality

If you like these kits, please don’t tell me about it, I’d like to maintain the respect or at least anonymity that I currently have for you. As for Puma, how dare you?! How dare you blaspheme the Milan crest and colors with kits that are not only horrifically designed, but very poorly manufactured and with a fit that will make the players look so terrible. Not to mention us fans, who spend our hard-earned money and then have to be seen in them everywhere we go.

I will definitely not be spending my hard-earned money on these. As I mentioned on the last podcast, I am not even sure I would take one of these jerseys if you even gave it to me. Besides, who knows where our money will even go at this point? Just write off this year and try to focus on watching the players rather than the abominable kits they’ll be wearing. And keep sporting your collection of Adidas jerseys. Really, it’s all that we can do. I must say, Puma have really outdone themselves. Just look at what the cat dragged in.

This post inspired by the music of Suicidal Tendencies

For purposes of this new kit review, it should be noted that Elaine’s degree and background is in fashion design, even if her passion is AC Milan