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“If I Can’t Have You, I Don’t Want Nobody, Baby”


In an apparent attempt to keep the media busy and fans buying Kleenex, Galliani announced yesterday that the deal to bring Kakà back to Milan had broken down. He also said that he thought our transfer market was closed. For us fans, it was kind of like getting dumped and losing your job in the same day. I’m guessing Galliani was a Bee Gees fan, and he decided that if he couldn’t have Kakà, he didn’t want anyone else. Cry me a river. Some of us do want reinforcements this mercato.


Of course, no sooner had this news hit the Milan fan world like a tranquilizer dart hits a wild animal, than news that talks could be resumed started to spread equally as quickly, and once again, Milan fans look to the January 31st deadline like orphan kids look to Christmas.

This mercato started with hope and faith in the supposed plan that our management was building and planning and believing in youth. But, just like my first long-distance relationship ended with the first two-bit whore to walk by that son-of-a-b**ch, the first chance management found to rekindle an old relationship in the form of an expensive, fallen from grace quality player, they threw caution out the window and forgot the plan that would have been better for them. Do I sound bitter? Good.

Now that we know what their true colors are, and we also know they’ll never change, we are only left with hopes and dreams and speculations for this mercato, and at least in my situation, they are all a bit jaded at this point. Still, it’s fun to imagine what could still be, just like I imagine all of my ex-boyfriends being fat and miserable and alone. They deserve it.

Relationship troubles are the worst.

So let’s imagine, for a second, the most ridiculous transfer rumors that could be….

Like van Bommel returns and brings Kevin Strootman along with in a swap for Flamini and Traore, and PSV want to give us an extra €8m to sweeten the deal.

Joey Saputo, owner of the Montreal Impact, being thrilled with his purchases of Nesta & Di Vaio, decides he wants some more Italian defenders, so offers €18m for Bonera, Antonini, and Acerbi.

To convince fans that Milan are committed to youth, a contract is offered to Robinho’s son, based on the following footage: (WARNING: PFW)


Liverpool, looking to improve their reputation due to racist behaviors, swoop in to grab Boateng from Milan for €20m plus Borini.

Or Balotelli breaks his contract and comes to Milan on a free transfer, pledging to play for only €1 and a case of fireworks per season.

Or Ibra ties up Leonardo and forces him to nullify the contracts of both he and Thiago Silva, sending them both back to Milan for free, and gets him to throw in Verratti so Ibra won’t tell anyone that Leo wet himself and cried like a baby.


See how fun it is to imagine? Feel free to imagine your own ridiculous transfer rumors and put them in the comments. Who knows? With this crazy year, maybe one of our wildest dreams will come true.


Note: No ex-boyfriends were harmed in the writing of this post. For the record, I have ended all of my relationships on speaking terms. Although Berlusconi and Galliani are not so lucky. My boyfriends only broke my heart, Berlusconi and Galliani broke my club.


This post inspired by the music of The Bee Gees’ “If I Can’t Have You”


Our next match is
Atalanta vs. Milan
Sunday, January 27 • 15:00 CET (9am EST)