Inter 3, Milan 2: Snake Vomit

We’ve all seen times in life where the worst person gets away with murder, rape, or Calciopoli. And honestly, between Icardi and Inter, they have probably done all of that and more. But tonight Inter were the better team on the pitch for 90 minutes. And so as Milan fans, we are left cleaning the San Siro of all of that snake vomit before our Europa League clash on Thursday. You know, since Inter aren’t playing midweek at all.

The true Icardi hat trick... he looks like a moron no matter which hat he wears

Just like Wanda’s marriage vows, once Icardi’s Milan jinx was broken, it was really broken. He has scored four goals in the last two Derbies. In fact, he has scored more times against Milan than he’s apparently scored with Wanda, since they only have two children together. And even then, he was “shooting blanks,” as both children are girls. Even Maxi gave her three boys. Given Wanda’s extra-marital behaviors, she should have been much easier to score with than Milan. I’m just saying.

But the real crime was that Milan did not play well for much of the game. We played better in ways, but it took divine intervention to get Montella to make some changes before we were down two goals, and that intervention showed glimpses of what this team are capable of. Despite our defense fending off most of the onslaught in the first half, we did concede a goal in the 28th to make it 1-0 Inter. Of course Candreva gave everyone a heart attack in the 13th, but our friend the crossbar helped us out a bit. Borini did his best to almost score, actually twice in a row in the 44th. But alas, he shuns the spotlight of being a striker who actually scores.

It's always important to celebrate the little things

Instead of repeating his errors from the Roma match, Montella gave Kessie a much-needed rest after the half and brought on Cutrone. Not only did that change the shape of the system, but gave us more youth and more firepower up front. The impact was incredible, like releasing horses in a race or something. And the impact was also instantaneous. Musacchio scored from a Suso rebound, but it was flagged for offside in the 49th. And after Handanovic had PTSD from so many shots, Borini sent the ball over to Suso in the 56th. Suso, looking around and seeing the company he was keeping, fooled Inter and chose to take the shot himself from distance, curling it in just out of Handanovic’s reach. 1-1. Game on.

The rest of the second half was competitive and entertaining to say the least, but Milan’s 15 minutes of fame were really at the beginning of the half, as Inter woke up after Suso’s goal. We conceded another Icardi goal in the 63rd. Montella made an actual impact sub in the 78th by bringing on Locatelli for Romagnoli, again changing the system. And in the 81st, Borini crossed it in, Silva had a nice little backheel to Bonaventura, who took a shot that took GLT to verify. 2-2 all. Game on again. Unfortunately for Bonaventura, the goal was credited to Handanovic as an own goal because he bobbled the attempted save. But the score remained the same.

Suso giving everyone something to celebrate

It seemed as though we would steal a point when disaster struck in the 89th. Rodriguez, introducing himself to D’Ambrosio with a gentle hug in the box, didn’t realize that D’Ambrosio had taken acting lessons from the Neymar School of Diving. Literally, D’Ambrosio was flailing his arms before he jumped to the ground, his arms never actually hitting the ground, and he also clinched his fists and celebrated earning the call before the call was even made. It was a foul, though, just sucks to see such douchebag antics. Speaking of douchebags, Icardi took the penalty and converted it in the 90th to seal the three points. 3-2 Inter. And he earned himself a yellow for taking his shirt off and holding it up like the filthy, rotten trash that it is, too.

Now for the other protagonists… Tagliavento did not use VAR. I feel like that’s a good thing. He did give out eight cards – six for Inter and two for Milan, but avoided sending anyone off. Which is impressive in a Derby where Inter were called for 17 fouls and Milan 12. There was that question about the Biglia handball in the 25th that Inter will whine about as if they’d been relegated, but he adjudicated on the intent and didn’t give it. That was his call, and it was fair.  I’d give him a C.

"Please gods of football... I'll do anything... sub early, change formations..."

Montella… wow. Who knew he could do something different? Is he taking his OCD medication now, so that he could give up on his obsession with the 3-5-2 at the half? His desperation has suddenly given birth to new ideas and alternate realities, it’s amazing. Still didn’t win the game, though. And his postmatch comments were certifiably delusional, so he gets a D from me.

Bonucci… the witch hunt will always look to the best player first. And by best player, I mean the only player Milan have who is nominated for the Ballon d’Or. Or have you all forgotten the world class player we had as our captain before? Yeah, the one that actively assisted the opponent’s goals. At least Bonucci tries.

Bonucci, scapegoat for all of your pathetic tears, rising above it all

To that end, some people posing as commentators…. no, strike that… some posers posing as commentators say Bonucci was to blame for the goals from the run of play. The first one, the ball was lost by Bonaventura in the midfield. Rodriguez was not fast enough to catch Candreva. Romagnoli missed the ball altogether as he crossed it in. Icardi was too fast for Musacchio, and Bonucci was the only one of all of the aforementioned players who actually tried, even if he was unsuccessful. How you people think that goal was all on Bonucci is beyond me. You probably never saw a Ballon d’Or nominee play in the red and black or something.

The second goal was created by Perisic, whom Musacchio didn’t mark at all. He sent the ball into Icardi who was behind Bonucci, but in front of Romagnoli. Both got caught with their feet glued to the ground, but one is apparently expected to have eyes in the back of his head while the other is allowed to be blind. Is that what you people think? Because I don’t know why you are trashing our best player. I don’t know why you can’t see all of the other saves he did make. Or how he rallies the team throughout the game, especially after conceding a goal. Oh, wait… all of you haters are Montolivo fans. Now it makes sense. Don’t forget, Bonucci punched his potential armed mugger, someone only slightly lower on the food chain than you. Finally we have a real captain and you people can’t even show some respect (or watch the game.)


Milan are far from becoming the team that they are capable of becoming. For me, the glimmer of light I took from this night of evil and darkness is that Montella grew a flexibility bone and hopefully noticed what worked. Borini is playing better as a wingback than he did as a striker, and considering he rarely defended on the win, that’s saying something. It’s always painful when scumsucking, wife-stealing, dung bucket residue filth triumph over the good guys. Even more painful when your management confirm their “extreme” faith in the manager that has lost four out of eight of your league matches because he has an incredibly unhealthy relationship with the 3-5-2. But at least we are playing in Europe. Interisti may be trolling us all week because they literally have nothing better to do. But after we are done ridding the San Siro of their snake vomit, we will need to head to Casa Milan to polish our trophies. Meanwhile, Inter will be… what is it that you do to a paper Scudetto? Anyway, losing sucks. But not nearly as bad as being an Inter fan.

This post inspired by the music of Rammstein’s Bück Dich

Our next match is
Europa League
AC Milan vs. AEK Athens
Thursday, October 19 • 21:05 CEST (3:05 EDT)
Inter 3, Milan 2: Snake Vomit Inter 3, Milan 2: Snake Vomit Reviewed by Elaine on 11:16 PM Rating: 5
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