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Becoming Balotelli


Ahead of the World Cup, Balotelli has given us some epic sound bites: “People will always want to talk about Mario. They will always want to write about Mario. I’m used to that now. But for me, it’s time to make people talk about what I’m doing on the pitch. I want to be one of the best players in the world, and usually all the legends are born at the World Cup.” So I decided that if legends are born at the World Cup, it’s time for me to step it up. I want to become like Balotelli.

The resemblance is uncanny


First of all, Elaine will talk about Elaine in third person, as all legends do. Because Elaine is badass like Balotelli, and she knows it. Maybe she doesn’t drive her Ferrari on a go kart track, mainly because she doesn’t have one, but she has ridden an ATV and has the badass scar to prove it.

Like Mario, she was born in the wrong country, or so it seems. Her whole life, people have told her this, and her love of AC Milan and football in general gets her a lot of abuse, even if she doesn’t see why it should. And, like Super Mario said, legends are born at the World Cup. Well so was her love of football, so she should already be a legend. And can you please refer to her as Super Elaine? She would like that very much.

Balotelli interviews himself, Elaine likes to interview herself

Other similarities between Elaine and Mario include her love of pigs. Mario has a pet pig, Super Elaine likes to eat pigs… well at least bacon. She also likes fireworks, although she prefers to burn Christmas trees as opposed to bathrooms. Whereas Mario’s difficulties with dressing himself extended a bit later in his life, Elaine actually spent the night in a hospital when very young after certain difficulties with getting dressed. It's almost as if they are twins.

Mario likes to fight and enjoys training in mixed martial arts. Super Elaine grew up in a large family, so of course mixed martial arts means something slightly different to her, but she is very experienced. And just like Super Mario, there are a lot of misconceptions about her online, but Milan has grounded her and made her very happy.

Super Elaine also looks badass with the Italian flag wrapped around her

Most importantly, Super Elaine feels very Italian and shares a love of the Italian National Team, just like Super Mario. Her football fan legend status was born at her first World Cup, and now she is hoping that her idol, Balotelli, will also become a legend at this World Cup. Not so much for the British Press’ bizarre obsession with his off-the-pitch antics, but rather for just being Balotelli. Just like we all want to be.


This post inspired by the music of Ministry