Douchebaggery by the Numbers

It is difficult to quantify the levels of douchebaggery at Milan this season. But that didn’t stop me from trying. Ahead of our final match of the season, I wanted to put some stats together for you to demonstrate some of the atrocities fans have endured at the hands of our beloved club this season. Even though numbers do not truly do justice to our pain, it helps me to see that my pain was not imagined. Where actual stats were not available, I have offered my best guesstimate, which is not a guarantee of accuracy or even sanity. I give to you Milan’s Douchebaggery by the Numbers:

Unforgiveable, unforgettable.

19 - Number of games Allegri coached in Serie A

0 - Number of games Allegri should have coached in Serie A

22 - Number of points Allegri earned in Serie A

18 - Number of games Seedorf coached in Serie A

32 - Number of points Seedorf earned in Serie A

786 - Number of times Allegri shouted “Dai Dai Dai” this season*

929 - Number of times Seedorf smiled on the sidelines this season*

173 - Number of injuries during Allegri’s tenure*

25 - Number of days off that Seedorf gave to the players*

47 - Number of times Allegri was confirmed this season*

0 - Number of times Seedorf was confirmed this season*

"At least I made the douchebaggery post"

15 - Number of Serie A appearances Matri made for Milan

1 - Number of goals Matri scored

0 - Number of gappearances Matri should have made for Milan in Serie A

11 - Number of euros (in millions) that Matri will cost us over four years

674 - Number of fans that wished him bodily harm (in millions)*

0 – Number of fans who are excited he is coming back from loan

48 - Number of goals conceded by Milan this season

55 - Number of goals scored by Milan this season

29 - Number of appearances by Balotelli in Serie A

14 - Number of goals by Balotelli in Serie A

6 - Number of assists by Balotelli in Serie A

12,933 - Number of times Balotelli was criticized in the media this season*

942 – Number of tears of joy shed for Kaka this season (in millions)*

652 – Number of interviews Taarabt has given since coming to Milan in January*

37 – Number of players hospitalized due to Sulley “the Killer” Muntari this season*

5 – Number of Serie A appearances made by El Shaarawy this season

How many CEO's do you need to take down a world class football club?

2 - Number of CEOs

0 - Number of trophies won

15 - Number of servings of alcohol per Milan fan per game this season*

983 - Number of Milan fans who are now alcoholics (in millions)*

3 - Number of times the Curva Sud did something overt to back their team this season*

12 - Number of times I had to pull the fan cards of the Curva Sud for douchebaggery this season*

1354 - Number of “experts” who spoke out about Milan to anyone who would give them their 15 minutes of fame this season*

38 - Number of times Berlusconi said something to alienate the fans this season*

79 - Number of times Galliani said something to alienate the fans this season*

"I use more money for toilet paper each day than most fans will ever have in their lives"

37 - Number of Milan matches in Serie A I’ve watched this season

0 - Number of times I will reflect back fondly on this season

234 - Number of times I cried myself to sleep over Milan this season*

9 - Number of years of my life Milan has taken from me this season*

38 - Number of Milan matches in Serie A I will watch next season

* these numbers are best guesstimates based on the level of anxiety associated with the subject matter, PTSD-like flashbacks, and recalling reactions of fellow fans online.

This post was inspired by the music of Jane Siberry’s “It Can’t Rain All the Time”

Our final match of the season

Milan vs. Sassuolo

Sunday, May 18 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)