The Delusionist

While one countdown to the New Year came to a close, another began. Allegri gave an interview to La Gazzetta dello Sport that was published on New Year’s Eve in which he reiterated that this season will be his final season at AC Milan. And while the cheers and celebrations of Milanisti worldwide upon hearing this from his mouth were audible, nay even palpable, the rest of the interview was a reminder of Allegri’s most enduring legacy at Milan, as the Delusionist.

"Look how handsome I am"
I wanted to turn over a new leaf with the new year. And with less than six months remaining of Allegri’s contract, I thought I could write more about other things, and less about The Most Interesting Coach in the World. But while I’ve touched on Allegri’s ever-increasing loss of his grip on reality in press conferences, this one just couldn’t be left alone. Some things can be written off as biased or maybe even misinterpreted, but other statements are psychiatric-level delusional and need to be addressed. Here are some of the most obvious delusions (italics added for emphasis):

"I did things that had to be done in order to rejuvenate Milan. I did those things in accordance with the management, and somebody sees me as hatchet man, but I have never been that type of person. We did what was required; in three seasons, the squad and I obtained the results that the management asked of us.

Where to begin? Freezing out a legend like Pippo Inzaghi, sending a player like Andrea Pirlo to a rival club on a free transfer… and yet management did worse, announcing the captain Massimo Ambrosini’s departure to the press before they told him and allowing him to go to a rival club on a free transfer. It has all been world class level failure. But his quote about obtaining the results the management asked of him is right, if you consider only their last-ditch requests for Champions League qualification. Because at the beginning of the season, he was asked to win.

"What kind of Milan I'm leaving to the next coach? I leave a good team that earned the love of the fans. A team that with a few adjustments will have a future." 

A team that earned the love of the fans… like at the Genoa game? Okay. (calls the psych ward.)

"Mister: With how the team is playing there is little to be happy (Allegri) about"

"I was sure that I was going to be the coach that would bring Milan their second gold star (i.e. their 20th Serie A title), but my second league campaign at Milan was decided partially by a goal that wasn't validated (Muntari's goal against Juventus).

Umm… okay. Let’s forget about the literally dozens of ref calls that went in our favor the past couple of years (I’m sure Fiorentina could helps us remember,) and blame all of your failures that season on a single ref call. (has anyone got any anti-psychotic drugs to spare?)

"The real regret about this season is that I have never had all the players at my disposal.”

Okay, so last season and the season before we actually had more injuries, but since we finished 2nd and 3rd those seasons, let’s blame the current 13th place standing on injuries. Sure, that’s perfectly logical. (and this is why psychiatrists and psychologists are often considered crazier than their patients… they see people like Allegri all the time!)

Many things have gone badly in the last part of 2013, but I'm sorry that our medical staff and athletic coaches are being blamed. That really makes me angry."

Okay, this one I kind of have to agree with. It’s difficult to put the blame on any one person or portion of the staff. Our injuries have been almost as mindboggling as Allegri’s insights. And yet in any other field, the people responsible for overseeing a specific aspect of the company must take… what is that called again? Oh yeah, responsibility.

"Another injury? Don't blame those in charge of fitness!"

"If the results are lacking then it's always the coach's fault. The last four months of 2013 have been disastrous, but I have always worked with enthusiasm and I will do that until the end."

This one reminds me of the Star Wars kid on YouTube.  His failure was epic, but he did it with enthusiasm. (come to think of it, this analogy may not be fair to the Star Wars kid. Sorry, Star Wars kid.)

"The management kept me because they didn't have any alternatives? If the management didn't have any alternatives then it means that I'm really good and that they couldn't find a better coach."

Right. Any scientist will tell you that absence of evidence is not proof of anything. And I would go further to say that if you started out with a winning team, ran it into the ground, and even with star players are in 13th place, there is more evidence to the contrary than proof positive. Besides, didn’t you just say a minute ago that results are a coach’s fault? (Seriously, when are those men with the straitjackets going to get here? This man is certifiable.)

"People say that Milan have been playing poorly? We have also been playing well.”

Ummm… okay. I counter that argument with “People say the earth is round? It is also flat.” (now I’m going crazy.)

"If I regret signing Matri? No, because we needed him in that moment, and he has always been scoring goals. He will also score goals for Milan. If he is for sale? Why should he be?

Sorry, do I really need to say something here? Other than maybe of course he shouldn’t be for sale, we haven’t even paid him off yet. Let’s keep him for all four years of his contract not scoring goals, and then sell him. And meanwhile loan or sell the young players who cost a fraction of your little buddy and score more goals while warming up in training than Matri has scored for Milan.

Because it's super funny that we should expect this striker to score goals

"Why the Milan fans should be excited and passionate about Milan? Because the wind can change like it happened last season. We have to take it match by match and with calmness - and we have to remember that we are the only Italian team left in the Champions League." 

Translation: Berlusconi is late on the checks to the refs this season, so just wait and see. Milan will start winning in spite of me. But lest you forget, in spite of the worst game Milan has played in years, we are the only Italian team left in the Champions League. So step right up, co-dependent Milan fans, and spend your hard-earned money to watch us fall flat on our faces again and again.

There is so little truth and so much delusion in his words, it is nearly unthinkable. In addition to the usual postmatch “We played well, but we merely lacked a goal” or “We simply had a few individual errors,” we now have an overview of the man’s legacy that shows that he is entirely out of touch with reality.  I think someone has been sniffing too much trophy polish while worshipping his Scudetto and Supercoppa trophies. But even as fans are anxiously counting down the end of his reign of terror, it is unlikely he will be remembered for those trophies. Because after reading this interview, the entire psychiatric industry is going to want a piece of this action. Just call him The Delusionist.

Special thanks to @Milanello on Twitter for the fantastic translation of this interview

This post inspired by the music of Napoleon XIV’s “They’re Coming to Take Me Away”

Our next match is a friendly to be played at Milanello
Milan vs. Solbiasommese
Friday, January 3 • 14:30 CET (8:30am EST)

Milan vs. Atalanta
Monday, January 6 • 15:00 CET (9am EST)

The Delusionist The Delusionist Reviewed by Elaine on 12:30 AM Rating: 5
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