Monday, October 14, 2013

The Golden Matris™

The Italian TV show Striscia la Notizia has their Tapiro d’Oro (golden tapir) award, and RAI Radio 2 has the Bidone d’Oro (golden trashcan) award. But until now, Milan Obsession did not have an award to exemplify the utter failings, the sheer inadequacy, the implosion of all capability whatsoever that we are currently witnessing at AC Milan. So it is with complete and total wrath and retribution that I present to you the newest measure for human failure in football: The Golden Matri™.


The Golden Matri™ is represented by the tackiest, most horrible kit to grace Milan players in my lifetime. (And if you also have horrible taste and actually like the hideous thing, just know it is coming from a place of severe abhorrence and revulsion. Oh, and get some taste.) It is decorated with the number 9 and Matri’s name, again to show the demise of a legendary number coupled with the most expensive and worthless excuse for a striker we have seen during the days of Budget Milan™. (And even if you like Matri, or he finally starts scoring, remember that this award comes from the place where optimism is now a rotting pile of putrid entrails.) So now that you understand the level of failure required to earn a Golden Matri™, I present for your disdain, the recipients of the October 2013 Golden Matris:

Goal Face

Worst Goal Celebration: Massimiliano Allegri
I think most people were expecting this one to be given to Matri, but you must remember that we haven’t seen his goal celebration yet, not even vs. Ligue 2 side Caen. So this honor is bestowed upon the lovable and personable motivator we call manager, Massimiliano Allegri, for his wildly joyous and celebratory “goal face.”

Worst Excuse for Sports Medicine: Milan Lab
If my child were dying, and the only place I could find any care for him was Milan Lab, I would not take him there. The players would be better off treating each other with tonics and superstitious charms than being treated by Milan Lab, the face of failure when it comes to sports medicine.

Worst Math Skills: Adriano Galliani
Here’s a math problem for you, Mr. Galliani: If you have a young player that you can develop and who is already on the books, and you have the chance to buy an overrated 29 year-old striker from a direct rival for €11m over 4 years time, and neither of them score, which one is more expensive? All of those years as a DS and CEO have clearly been wasted.

This is a GOOD hair day

Worst Hair: Kevin Constant
Alright, I’m gonna say this with love: you weren’t blessed in the looks department. And that’s okay, because I judge you by what you do on the pitch. Except when you do even more ridiculous things with your hair. Then you are like the really fat girl wearing all spandex, and you’ve brought my judgment upon yourself.

Worst Supporting Actor: Silvio Berlusconi
For his role in the “I Support Allegri” sketch starting in June of this year, Mr. Berlusconi wins best supporting actor. (Rumors of him being drugged daily to keep him from taking action against the war crimes of keeping Allegri on have not been verified as of this writing.)

Worst Actor in a Leading Role: Mario Balotelli
I feel for you, big guy. Life has not been kind to you with all of the fouling and the lack of referee protection and the racist fans and everything. But if you keep falling over like that little Neymar brat, I’m gonna have to bring you to Hollywood, because your acting is starting to eclipse your playing skills.

Baby-eating is not a sign of good parenting

Most Questionable Parenting: Ignazio Abate
I know Milan has fallen on hard times, but this picture is a frightening forecast for the financial future of the club. It seems that Abate has been forced to feed his one son to the other one, which also raises questions of cannibalism, ethics, and of course, good parenting.

Worst Fighter: Philippe Mexes
A combination of the most red cards and perhaps the least to show for it. He is now serving a four match ban for trying to punch Giorgio Chiellini. But he barely made contact, he hits like a girl. Next time you’re going to cost your team what little defense we have for four matches, at least give the guy something to remember you by.

Worst Missionary: Ricardo Kaká
He says he belongs to Jesus, but Jesus healed the sick. I don’t buy it. Jesus also overcame death, therefore is probably the only one to ever have any power over Milan Lab. Say your prayers, Mr. Religion, we desperately need you healthy this season.

No, you belong to Milan Lab.

I hope that the Golden Matris™ will not become a regular feature here. But if they do, I promise to bring you the individual recognition our team deserves with the sober and contemplative thought and hard-hitting journalism that Milan Obsession is known for.

This post inspired by the music of Sonic Youth’s “Superstar”

Our next match is
Milan vs. Udinese
Saturday, October 19 • 20:45 CEST (2:45 EDT)