Zlatan Ibrahimovic previews Malmo-Milan for us

On Sunday, Milan will play yet another pre-season friendly, which is rather meaningless so we weren't going to preview it. However, as I was strolling down the street the other day I accidentally stepped on somebody's foot. I heard a loud yell (sounded like hi-ya! but I can't be certain) and then everything went black. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital this morning with the doctor telling me I'd been kicked in the back of the head. Standing next to him was Zlatan Ibrahimovic who, during my 3 day "rest" had been given orders to make up for the damage he'd done by previewing this game for us. So, without further ado, Ibra's take on Sunday's game in its unedited form...

OK, first of all, I don't want any nonsense. I have paused a game of PES against Prince for this and you better not keep me here any longer than necessary. Nothing gets between me and a joystick. Also, I have kids and whatnot. So listen up.

When I was a kid I was poor and I stole other kids' lunch money. Between that and taking taekwondo lessons, I also trained football until one day I decided to quit. That drove my coach to tears and he went on this rant about how I'm the awesome second coming of Christ. I told him I'm not the second coming of anything, I'm the first coming of Zlatan. And walked away. Later I changed my mind, came back and scored 8 goals in 45 minutes for FBK Balkan.

Then came Malmo FF, the first real club in my career. In hindsight, the shirts remind me of stupid Lazio, but this is my club, I played for them for two years before moving to Ajax to become a poster on your sister's bedroom wall. Yeah. She likes a bit of Zlatan. So anyway, let me tell you what I know about Malmo's players.

Nothing. I know nothing. I've met all of them and I don't remember a word they told me. There's this guy Larsson and this guy Mutavdzic. Big guy. I could take him though. Then there's this Mehmeti character who once interrupted a TV appearance I was making in Sweden. That ended in tears and they weren't mine.

Am I done? No?! I have to make a prediction? Do you want me to draw you a picture, wise guy? We're gonna win, I'm gonna score, their supporters are gonna chant my name and I won't even care cause that's how I roll. I'll start with Cassano because the Brazilians are too tender for Scandinavia. I like Antonio. But you know who I really like? I don't care if I'm making a digression. Inzaghi. That guy could score in a convent.

What else is there? Oh yeah. We'll see how Taiwo plays against somebody who's not Robben. Taye seems interesting. Not too smart, but interesting. Abate is one of my favorite people. Yelling at him makes my day because he yells back but still does what I tell him. He'll turn out to be one of the best right backs of the decade if he keeps this up. I don't care if I'm changing subjects every sentence. I'm Zlatan, bitch. Deal with it.

So we'll get out there knowing we're better but we also have to remember we're playing a potential Champions League team. All they have to do is beat Dinamo Zagreb and they're in the group stage. Good for them. I also remember when they beat Palermo, which is more than we could do last year. So they're not naive. I did not bring Milan here to slaughter some provincial amateurs. They'll give it their all. Biggest game of their careers even though it's a friendly. You know why it's the biggest game of their careers? I'll give you a hint: it starts with a Z and ends with an N. Zla-tan!

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...and he walked away without saying goodbye.