Dear FIFA

Something that infuriates me at every official FIFA tournament are their “stellar” efforts to eradicate racism. As if a giant banner is going to change the character of a racist and make him eat those bananas instead of throw them. Or having people wear t-shirts at the beginning of a match puts some magical anti-racism force field on the stadium and makes everyone suddenly love everyone else. Or those advertising boards that randomly put up anti-racism messages throughout the game… they clearly solve the worldwide racism issue singlehandedly. (Do the racists even read them? Do they even know how to read?)  Surprisingly, despite all of these well-thought out measures, racism continues to permeate the beautiful game. Dear FIFA, signs and t-shirts just don’t work.

Racism deterrent? Or waste of time and money?

I have talked a lot about racism, particularly since Milan players seem to be magnets for racial abuse more and more frequently instead of less. And despite anti-racist “task forces” and banners and t-shirts and ad campaigns, FIFA has not been able to put a dent in this problem. So I have decided to take matters into my own hands. If FIFA can’t figure this out, let me help them. And if this barbaric and horrifying scourge on the beautiful game cannot be stopped diplomatically, it’s time we fight fire with fire. Here are my ideas as to how to deal with racists. I like to call them my Extreme Anti-Racism Campaign.

Give the racists bathroom janitorial duties. Send the filth to clean the filth. Like mandatory community service. It saves money, gets the bathrooms clean, and gets them away from the pitch. Win, win, win.

Armed stewards could identify racists in the stadium

Give the stewards paintball guns. When someone racially abuses someone, the stewards open fire. It hurts, and it marks them so everyone knows they are racist. I think the other fans should be allowed to “walk them out” of the stadium, too, instead of security.

Change the color of their skin. Literally, give them a spray tan to remember, allow them to walk a mile in the shoes of the people they abuse. Perhaps permanent skin coloring or other cosmetic changes can be offered to repeat offenders.

Roast the pigs. People who behave like pigs should be treated like one. So tie them up on a spit (even if inserting the spit pig roasting style is a temptation) and stick an apple (or a banana?) in their mouth so they can’t spew any more insults, and let them turn on the spit for at least the duration of the match, ideally in a public location for maximum humiliation.

"Daddy? What's a racist?"

Build stockades in front of the stadiums and let people pelt the racists with fruit. I’m pretty sure that by a), locking them up outside the stadium, and b), giving the power to the mobs to punish them, this method will work a little bit better than banners. A medieval practice deserves a medieval punishment.

Send them to live with actual monkeys. If these people think they know so much about monkeys, lock them in a cage with some. For a week. Or more, whatever. The point is, having to live with and live like monkeys might open their eyes a little. To that end, I think the players or others who have been abused should get to throw bananas and shout at them while in the monkey cage. It won’t make up for the damage done, but turning the tables on these Neanderthals it might make them think twice before they make monkey chants again.

Waterboarding (or other forms of torture.) Hey, if the U.S. can do it, then it must be humane. And considering that racist behavior is more animal than human, I suspect it should be PETA we would worry about monitoring FIFA here. Either way, I think the racially abused players should also be allowed to participate in or at least watch said torture. Again, it can never undo what was done, but it might at least help them feel some sense of justice.

Permanent identification for repeat offenders

  

Face tattoos. Okay, so maybe this one isn’t for first time offenders, but maybe a three strikes rule could go into effect here. For repeat offenders, though, I think it’s fair to label on the outside what is going on inside so everyone can instantly see them for the kind of person that they are. Even better than the Scarlet Letter.

Aversion therapy. Every time someone does something to racially abuse someone, electrical shocks are sent to their stadium seat and the ground beneath/in front of it. The voltage increases with every instance of abuse. And honestly, if they don’t get the message, I am okay with fatalities if the voltage goes too high or if there are heart problems or whatever. Just call it natural selection. It also really cuts down on repeat offenders if they leave the stadium in a body bag.

Put them all in a pit and let them fight to the death. You can make some extra money by allowing spectators. And maybe even a little more money by selling things for the spectators to throw at the racist gladiators. How about throwing monkey feces at the racists, for example? Plus, you will be cutting down on the racist population. Like killing two birds with one stone…. hmmm…. stones….

Too bad they couldn't just wear their regular jerseys

Perhaps some of these extreme ideas are not considered “politically correct.” But last I checked, neither was being racist. Yet that horrible Neanderthal practice is alive and well. And condemning it with banners and t-shirts hasn’t changed anything. Dear FIFA, waiting for “task forces” to meet and come up with some other printed advertising is not working. Maybe you could join the 21st century and find some better methods of eradicating this disease from the beautiful game? UEFA took a promising step forward by approving increased fines and bans, but will even that be enough? Because if not, I’m about ready to bring my Extreme Anti-Racism Campaign to a stadium near you.

This post inspired by the music of Rage Against the Machine