Monday, August 1, 2011

Guest Post: Avia’s Behind the Scenes Visit to the MilanLab®

In case you missed it, Avia’s last guest post told the story of how he chose AC Milan. Today’s installment by the leader of the AC Milan Offside Ultras is on the lighter side. It is a continuation of his MilanLab® stories that began on the AC Milan Offside in the comment sections a while back. Please enjoy a very unique look behind the scenes of the infamous MilanLab®.

Hi everybody! I’m Dr Nick and despite what you may have heard I DO work here!
My main job as the senior thinga-ma-bob is to look after the players so that they can run and jump and kick! 










We have lots of shiny expensive equipment that make coooool noises!














Turned out that this is BAD food everybody!




Last year I had  to get a famous Brazilian called Ronald-Dingo back to peak fitness. Here is a picture taken during one of the sessions where I explain to him the importance of optimum sports nutrition!






Oopsy daisy!

But no matter, I am now working with a new patient called Cassano-va! Now some of the fans are calling him very bad names like fatty, jelly belly, whale-ass and lard butt! No worries, here at MilanLab® we have reinforced the operating tables and use many different techniques to treat our players. Cassano-va is going to try a new experimental psychological therapy called Bulimia! This is where we intensely train a player's mind to reject food in such a manner he will be super slim in no time! Its ALL in the mind!

Gaggy gaggy!



One question people ask me is “Dr Nick, how are you still practicing!” well, I'm cheap and  it helps when you have the kind of club President Milan does!  But another question I'm often asked is “Hi Dr Nick! How does MilanLab® keep players sooo young?”







Well, we simply converted our oxygen chambers that were previously used to treat animals from the time MilanLab® was a veterinary clinic to be used on players instead! Easy! 





We have one player in particular who is given intensive treatment to keep him youthful:


As well as extended time in our oxygen chambers we use a specially developed sports supplement imported from South America to enhance Pippo’s performance so that we can keep him going non stop, can you guess what it is everybody?.........Correct!...........Cocaine! Its so easy to tell if you watch his celebrations and the jittery way he keeps getting flagged offside 100 times every game!



Okay, now I do have a confession to make. I have been a teeny weeny naughty Doctor! You might be hearing that our newest signing El-Sharaaraaraaway has been injured in mysterious circumstances! Well it occurred during delivery of a shipment of industrial strength Viagra for our Club President. I was unloading the truck myself when I asked the new kid to help me and I dropped a crate of big blue pills on his knee! Sorry everybody!



The other bad news is our beloved President is now suffering from a side effect called boner eruptus which, if left untreated may lead to catastrophic skin failure! Treatment is very intensive and I have prescribed him 30 prostitutes to be taken repeatedly over 24hrs for 90 days! Get well soon Mr. President!


Anyone smell grilled French cheese?



Now I have to go as I have to see to my next patient Mexes, he is a crazy Frenchman who will undergo electro-shock convulsive therapy to try and fix his fiery French temperament! Luckily for him, I’m a very determined doctor!












Oh and don’t forget! MilanLab® now offers IVF!







Goodbye everybody!



You may also like to check out Avia's guest appearance
on the AC Milan Offside Podcast.